Today was Monday, and I am like Garfield the Cat when it comes to Mondays. I hate Mondays. Everybody has to get back to work; kids have to get up for school. Everybody has to wake up early and shake off the laziness of the weekend and put back on their serious faces and get back to the grind.
Yuck.
I hate Mondays.
This Monday was especially brutal. It didn’t hold back. My day started off well enough but the “bad” creeped in--slowly. I was supposed to go take a prospective van into the mechanic’s shop today to get my thumbs up/ thumbs down, but when it came right down to it, I didn’t see the need to. Not just yet anyway. You see, I checked the bank account today and realized that the funds to afford the van just simply aren’t there. Not enough. Not yet anyway.
I realized today that we are going to need to start saving way more money if we are going to buy this van. THIS particular van is for sale by a person. Not a used car lot that will finance. Maybe this guy will hold on to the van for us until we have all the money? Maybe.
However, this raises all kinds of questions for me. Do I need to just tell the guy never mind? Should I sell MY van to raise the money faster? Should I just hang on to my van till the husband comes home and then we can take care of all this van business then? Should I just keep looking at different used car lots and potentially get jacked around in order to be able to finance? Do I really want to make more vehicle payments a month? I don’t think I will find a better van at a better price, but should I just get my van fixed and forget all this nonsense?
So I called the guy and told him I wouldn’t be able to make it today to get the van checked out. I need to speak with my husband first about our finances . He said okay. He seemed nice about it. Thank goodness for a nice person. But oh man I’m bummed out. I need this van business to be over and done with.
The next portion of my day really socked it to me. As if finances weren’t enough of a problem, I still have my house in Kansas City that’s a nagging issue. I kid you not, the problem with this house invades my dreams. I get nightmares about this house. I dream that I return to the house to just visit--I don’t know why I’m visiting but I just am--and to my shock and horror the house is still FULL of all my stuff. I look in the cabinets and there are the dishes! Didn’t I pack those? Surely I did! I look in the closets and there’s all our clothes. Didn’t I pack all our clothes??? So I have to find boxes for all this STUFF. I don’t have enough boxes. I can’t fit all the stuff into the boxes. The stuff is accumulating. I’m in full panic mode and I feel helpless. That’s about the time I wake up, breathless and overwhelmed with the feeling of despair.
So this is just one of the reasons why this house needs to be sold--and soon. I got the idea to call an attorney from my sister. Then I got the idea to call my attorney friend, Paula, in Kansas City from my mother. So today I gave Paula a call and left her a message that I was needing her to call me back. I wanted Paula to just maybe, possibly direct me to a fellow attorney friend that she might have that just maybe, possibly knows the house-selling business like it was all they know how to do. So I made my call, left her a message and then took some Advil for my little headache and planned to take a rest on the couch. However no sooner had I flopped on the couch then my phone rang. It was Paula. She wanted to let me know that no, she didn’t have any fellow attorney friends that are good at the house-selling business, but she did however have a friend who is realtor. Maybe the realtor friend can give me a call if I don’t mind?
Okay sure, why not. It’s not like I haven’t gone through about three other realtors so far in a space of seven months, and they have all let me down abysmally. Sure. Why not try out yet another realtor? So I reluctantly gave the realtor a call. I told her of my position. I am not in KC anymore but I need to sell this run down, old house. My husband has deployed. Yes, I have special power of attorney because no I‘m not on the deed or mortgage….blah, blah, blah.
She says, “Oh I can help you! This is my field of specialty. I specialize in short sales and blah, blah, blah“…
“Okay“, I tell her, “ Listen. Please don’t tell me you can handle this yet. Not until you have seen the house first. Really. It’s doozie. It’s falling down and needs more repairs than it’s worth. The mortgage company refused to make a deal with me back when I had a buyer. It’s all kinds of mess. This is why I was looking for an attorney.”
She insisted that she would go take a look at the house first, then get back with me later this week. Great.
If she thinks she can help me after looking at the house, do I even still want to bother? Why bother even going down this road…again? I should just tell the lady no thank you and go look for an attorney like I had originally intended.
Then my brain goes into overdrive thinking again of the van and the house and the bills coming up and the bills that have been paid and how much can I save at this rate and blah, blah, blah!!!!!
My brain was screaming by the time I got off the phone with the realtor. My thoughts were flipping through my head so fast I was dizzy. The little hamster in his wheel was going at an insane and unnatural speed. I looked at the time. Oh jeeze! It was time to go get the kids from school. I grabbed my coat and keys and ran out the door. No time to stop by the library to get the book that is waiting for me, I was running too late for that.
As I was driving down the road, a thought struck me. Duh, Jayme! Practice your deep yogic breathing. That should help your brain to calm down and relieve your anxiety. So I took a breath, but soon discovered I had none. It was like the breath had been knocked out of me. I gave a pathetic little exhale. Plaaahhh….
I didn’t bother trying my yogic breathing after that. I was too overwhelmed. Too dizzy. Too breath-LESS.
I realize that this too shall pass. This was just a bad day, just a manic Monday. Tomorrow will come. Tomorrow will be a better day and all that jazz. I should be thankful for the little things. Thankful for my attorney friend; thankful that I at least have another vehicle to get me by, and the van isn’t my only mode of transportation. I should be thankful that my husband has a job, that we don’t live on the streets. That I’m not paralized. That my kids aren‘t short-bus special. That we have food. That the cat has food. I should be thankful, and I am. But right at the moment my headache is pounding and this day sucked eggs. I just want to turn off the lights and hope that when Tuesday gets here tomorrow, it will feel pity on me and treat me with some kindness. And that this pounding headache and neck-ache have hit the road.
About Me
- Jayme
- I am an army wife with three kids. I live too many miles from any family members but I have a support group of friends here in this high desert that I am thankful and greatful for every single day. I am in a soul search for myself. I have always been a "yes" person. A person who can never say "no". Because of this I have lost Me along the way, and I am tired of being lost. It's time for Jayme to find herself and be happy. The past 6 months have been hard for me. I mean REALLY challenging because like I said, I am an Army wife with three kids and sometimes I have to do things like, you know, on my own. I have another 6-7 months of more challenge ahead of me. But I think I should look at it as 6-7 more months of recreating a better me. A woman who is comfortable in her own skin. Somebody who radiates strength and inner-peace. Somebody who has a closeness with her God and herself. Somebody who can also--finaly--put herself first and use the word "no".
Monday, January 31, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
We ain't having any fun here.
The most fun in the world is something that is whatever is special to each of us. The most fun thing in the world for me would be something like a beautiful day at the beach with a really good book and wonderfully behaved children playing with their beloved nanny so my husband and I can have an amazingly scrumptious dinner at a candle lit outdoor restaraunt on a tropical island. ((SIGH))
Doesn't that sound just wonderful?
Mmmm....wonderful.
BUT, that's not what's been going on here. I have been mini van shopping at used car lots because my family van is on it's last leg. Just recently I had to take my sweet, old reliable, and beloved mini van into the shop for some repairs and to renew her tags. I knew when I took her into the shop it was probably going to be kind of expensive, but I wasn't prepared for the news I got. She has some seriously expensive problems that ring up to a grand total of $1,500.00.
I was pretty bummed out. I mean who has that kind of money just sitting around ready to be put into van repairs? I know my family sure doesn't. So I sent an e-mail to the hubby about all the problems, expensive problems, with our good old reliable van. He suggested that I go....ugh....van shopping.
Now let's think about this seriously. I have three boys that each have different school schedules, and at any given point I have at least one child with me for most of the day. There are a few windows of time that I am free but they usually last no more than two hours at a time. On the weekends I have all kinds of time because nobody has to be picked up and dropped off anywhere, but I have all three boys with me the WHOLE time. I'm not sure of those other parents out there that have well bahaved children, but MY kids aren't like that. Just running into the store to get a gallon of milk can take forever and even more humiliating because how loud and rowdy my kids can be.
Well, I did what my poor husband asked me to do. I did as much of the online research as I could. Made a few phone calls. You know, everything I possibly could from home? I waited till I absolutley had to go to a car lot. So finaly, after much delay, I loaded up the four year old and drove to a used car lot.
A little something you should know about me. I had an amazing grandfather. He believed in showing me the small things about car repair. You know? How to change a tire, change the oil and all the simple things that I can do from home--if I wanted or needed to. So I KNOW what an oil leak looks like. I know what some of the cords and wires are for under the hood. I know a good battery just by turning on the engine, and I know what most of the noises mean when I put on the brakes. I'm not completely car illiterate. I'm NO mechanic by any stretch of the imagination, but I know a piece of junk when I look under the hood. Fortunatly I also know that before I purchase a good used vehicle, I know to take it to a good and trusted mechanic to get a thumbs up or a thumbs down for all the "invisible" stuff. The stuff I know nothing about.
And like any good used car salesman worth his salt, the guy I spoke with tried to show me used vans waaaay out of my price range in hopes that I was stupid enough to fall for it. Then he tried to show me vans that were fresh to the lot and haven't even been detailed yet, and they don't even know what the van is worth yet. Then of course, this guy simply had to stick to routine and show me vans within my price range but with all the "invisible" problems. I looked under the hood. I looked under the van's body. I got inside and checked all the lights and blinkers. I started it up slowly, letting the key sit in each spot for a second as I turned it on. It sounded good. It drove good. No squeaks with the brakes. There was a small spot under the van where it looked like oil, but if it's just a small oil leak, that's repairable. That's managable. So here is when I needed to take it to my trusted mechanic to get the official thumbs up/thumbs down.
It was also time to go get the other boys from school too. I let Mr. Car Salesman know that it's time for me to go get the other kids and if I come back here with all three boys, it better be worth my time because they won't make car shopping easy. He promised it would be. He promised.
Uh-huh, riiiiiiight.....I was sceptical. Sceptical but I did it anyway.
I need to make this long story short, because this story can become long if I let it. Trust me. I got the other boys from school; drove all the way back to the lot, drove the prospective van and all the boys with me to the mechanic's shop on the other side of town, got a HUGE thumbs down, and drove back to Mr. Car Salesman's lot to let him know I am greatly dissapointed with his honesty skills and left there with three hungry, grumpy, tired boys. I was frustrated. I was angry! But most of all I was exhausted. I had NO dinner made, nobody had done their homework and it was waaaay past time for getting ready for bed. I had wasted more than five hours dealing with this trust worthy-challenged car salesman and his van with invisible problems. $957.00 worth of problems to be exact.
So here is my issue. Here is what I am dealing with so far this week. This may be "fun" for some folks out there. And I'm sure that this would be considered fun to Mr. Car Salesman, but for me and my family, this is NOT fun. This isn't even slightly bearable. I woke up the next morning from this experience with a giant headache. The moment I woke up I felt like I had just woken up from surviving a battle. All I could think to myself was, "I think I'm allergic to bull-shit". My body can not physically handle used car salesmen and all their bull shit.
I don't understand why this has to be some stupid game? I am bringing everything to table and laying it out. I explain what I have, what my budget is and what I want. All I ask is that I find something within those terms or as close to it as humanly possible. I didn't ask for somebody to pee on me and tell me it's raining. Why is dealing with used car salesmen so hard? I think I have, over the years, grown to find used car salesmen about as bad dealing with something gross and slimy that requires a full shower when your done. It must take a special kind of extra gene. The scum-bag gene, to be a good used car salesman. I almost feel sorry them.
I'm unfortunatly not finished here. I still have to keep looking and I HATE it. I HATE IT!!!!!
I HATE this big dumb game they all play and I HATE having to take all my kids with me to these car lots and I HATE that I am considering getting rid of my PAID for van to find something else that will require payments.
UUUUUGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!! I HATE IT!
Doesn't that sound just wonderful?
Mmmm....wonderful.
BUT, that's not what's been going on here. I have been mini van shopping at used car lots because my family van is on it's last leg. Just recently I had to take my sweet, old reliable, and beloved mini van into the shop for some repairs and to renew her tags. I knew when I took her into the shop it was probably going to be kind of expensive, but I wasn't prepared for the news I got. She has some seriously expensive problems that ring up to a grand total of $1,500.00.
I was pretty bummed out. I mean who has that kind of money just sitting around ready to be put into van repairs? I know my family sure doesn't. So I sent an e-mail to the hubby about all the problems, expensive problems, with our good old reliable van. He suggested that I go....ugh....van shopping.
Now let's think about this seriously. I have three boys that each have different school schedules, and at any given point I have at least one child with me for most of the day. There are a few windows of time that I am free but they usually last no more than two hours at a time. On the weekends I have all kinds of time because nobody has to be picked up and dropped off anywhere, but I have all three boys with me the WHOLE time. I'm not sure of those other parents out there that have well bahaved children, but MY kids aren't like that. Just running into the store to get a gallon of milk can take forever and even more humiliating because how loud and rowdy my kids can be.
Well, I did what my poor husband asked me to do. I did as much of the online research as I could. Made a few phone calls. You know, everything I possibly could from home? I waited till I absolutley had to go to a car lot. So finaly, after much delay, I loaded up the four year old and drove to a used car lot.
A little something you should know about me. I had an amazing grandfather. He believed in showing me the small things about car repair. You know? How to change a tire, change the oil and all the simple things that I can do from home--if I wanted or needed to. So I KNOW what an oil leak looks like. I know what some of the cords and wires are for under the hood. I know a good battery just by turning on the engine, and I know what most of the noises mean when I put on the brakes. I'm not completely car illiterate. I'm NO mechanic by any stretch of the imagination, but I know a piece of junk when I look under the hood. Fortunatly I also know that before I purchase a good used vehicle, I know to take it to a good and trusted mechanic to get a thumbs up or a thumbs down for all the "invisible" stuff. The stuff I know nothing about.
And like any good used car salesman worth his salt, the guy I spoke with tried to show me used vans waaaay out of my price range in hopes that I was stupid enough to fall for it. Then he tried to show me vans that were fresh to the lot and haven't even been detailed yet, and they don't even know what the van is worth yet. Then of course, this guy simply had to stick to routine and show me vans within my price range but with all the "invisible" problems. I looked under the hood. I looked under the van's body. I got inside and checked all the lights and blinkers. I started it up slowly, letting the key sit in each spot for a second as I turned it on. It sounded good. It drove good. No squeaks with the brakes. There was a small spot under the van where it looked like oil, but if it's just a small oil leak, that's repairable. That's managable. So here is when I needed to take it to my trusted mechanic to get the official thumbs up/thumbs down.
It was also time to go get the other boys from school too. I let Mr. Car Salesman know that it's time for me to go get the other kids and if I come back here with all three boys, it better be worth my time because they won't make car shopping easy. He promised it would be. He promised.
Uh-huh, riiiiiiight.....I was sceptical. Sceptical but I did it anyway.
I need to make this long story short, because this story can become long if I let it. Trust me. I got the other boys from school; drove all the way back to the lot, drove the prospective van and all the boys with me to the mechanic's shop on the other side of town, got a HUGE thumbs down, and drove back to Mr. Car Salesman's lot to let him know I am greatly dissapointed with his honesty skills and left there with three hungry, grumpy, tired boys. I was frustrated. I was angry! But most of all I was exhausted. I had NO dinner made, nobody had done their homework and it was waaaay past time for getting ready for bed. I had wasted more than five hours dealing with this trust worthy-challenged car salesman and his van with invisible problems. $957.00 worth of problems to be exact.
So here is my issue. Here is what I am dealing with so far this week. This may be "fun" for some folks out there. And I'm sure that this would be considered fun to Mr. Car Salesman, but for me and my family, this is NOT fun. This isn't even slightly bearable. I woke up the next morning from this experience with a giant headache. The moment I woke up I felt like I had just woken up from surviving a battle. All I could think to myself was, "I think I'm allergic to bull-shit". My body can not physically handle used car salesmen and all their bull shit.
I don't understand why this has to be some stupid game? I am bringing everything to table and laying it out. I explain what I have, what my budget is and what I want. All I ask is that I find something within those terms or as close to it as humanly possible. I didn't ask for somebody to pee on me and tell me it's raining. Why is dealing with used car salesmen so hard? I think I have, over the years, grown to find used car salesmen about as bad dealing with something gross and slimy that requires a full shower when your done. It must take a special kind of extra gene. The scum-bag gene, to be a good used car salesman. I almost feel sorry them.
I'm unfortunatly not finished here. I still have to keep looking and I HATE it. I HATE IT!!!!!
I HATE this big dumb game they all play and I HATE having to take all my kids with me to these car lots and I HATE that I am considering getting rid of my PAID for van to find something else that will require payments.
UUUUUGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!! I HATE IT!
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
It's Murphy and his stupid laws.
So yesterday I had the chance to do my part and donate blood to the American Red Cross. It's always for a good cause, but this time it was especially fotrtuitous because it was being held by my apartment complex. Those who were able to donate would be able to enter their name in drawing for one month of paid rent. What's that? One month paid rent? Sign me up!
Also, I'm a loyal blood donor. I actually enjoy donating my blood. I even have my little red card that has my name on it and blood type and all the other bits of information on it that is required when you go to donate for the American Red Cross. It's something I am quite proud of actualy. I am able to donate and so therefore I do so with honor. And by golly they like me at the donation sites. They take one look at my arm with the tourniquet wrapped tightly around it and they all say the same thing.
"WOW!"
Yep, I have GIANT veins. Giant! With the tourniquet on my arm, I've heard you can see my veins from space! Okay, maybe that's a bit of a stretch, but seriously they are huge. I'm a phlebotomist, and when in class for phlebotomy, I was everybody's favorite pin cushion. You simply can't miss hitting my great big, ol' blue veins.
Not to mention that I have never been turned away. Ever. I am a good donor. I meet all the requirments and pass all the tests. I've never lived in a foreign country for more than four months, I've never lived with anybody from a third world country and I've never had malaria, I've never had a tattoo...blah, blah, blah...
So when I found out we could earn the chance to win a month of free rent, I jumped at the chance. I was as sure of my donating as I am sure the day is long. So when I was turned away yesterday for low iron, I was more than a little surprised. How can that be? My iron can't be low! I just had it checked at the doctor's office! Didn't they just test my blood for iron, Vitamin D, and thyroid problems?
Oh I forgot to mention that all those tests came back completely normal. Even my vitamin D came back normal and that's not typical. 9 times out of 10, vitamin D tests come back low. Most people walk around everyday with defficiant vitamin D levels. I'm not saying I'm special or anything! It's just unusual.
Anyway back to the story, So my iron was low and they turned me away for the first time ever. They checked it twice, and yep! It's too low. So the lady who was checking my blood asked me if I was getting enough sleep at night? Has there been any changes in my diet? I'm thinking, "wait a minuet. All these questions are the same questions my doctor just asked me last week. I said no then and I still say no. No changes. I sleep fine, my stress levels have actually gotten better and I eat well everyday. I even take a Flintstone vitamin everyday. Okay, they belong to the kids but hey, they taste good and why not? I know, I know. I need to get my own.
Well when I left there all bummed out, I was wondering. What WAS my blood test results? What were the actual numbers on those blood tests? So I flipped open the phone and called the doctor's office right then. I asked the medical assistant what were the actual numbers of each blood test that was taken just last week?
She gave me the numbers, and she was right. I registered normal for each blood test that was run but wait...what's this? They didn't run Iron?
"No iron test?" I asked.
"No, iron wasn't tested." she replied
Okay, I went in to see the doctor for body aches and chills and fatigue, and of all the tests that were ran, my iron level wasn't one of them? How can that be? Could I be anemic and not know it? Could I have been fighting off some random cold when I went to the doctor, and I was dehydrated, and maybe even anemic? Do I need to go back to the doctor's office yet again for more blood tests? Should I even bother? I asked the medical assistant what would happen if a person is reported to have low iron results and she replied that the patient just needs to take an over the counter iron suppliment.
Super. That's easy. That's not too hard. Maybe I shouldn't bother wasting hours from my day and open another big ol giant blue vein just to have my iron tested. Adding an iron suppliment to my daily pill planner is as easy as farting in the wind. No big deal.
I just wish I had known this about my iron a few days ago. Maybe then I wouldn't have lost out on free rent for a month. That money, right now, would seriously have come in handy! I have a lot of stuff going on right now that is about to cost me big bucks. The van broke down and I need to either get it fixed or get a new one. I'm probably going to spend a giant chunck of money because I need to find an attorney in Kansas City that specialises in real estate. Sheesh!
When it rains, it pours, don't you know? This was Murphy's Law in play, that's what this was. This was the God's of Fate smirking, rolling their eyes and shaking their heads at me. They must have seen that it was going too smoothly over here for me and decided to send in good old Murphy and his big bunch of stupid laws because now everything is messed up.
Next time I'm gonna.....oh who am I kidding? You never know when Murphy is coming over. He just pops in UNinvited. Nobody can ever plan ahead when it comes to that dick head.
Stupid iron.
Also, I'm a loyal blood donor. I actually enjoy donating my blood. I even have my little red card that has my name on it and blood type and all the other bits of information on it that is required when you go to donate for the American Red Cross. It's something I am quite proud of actualy. I am able to donate and so therefore I do so with honor. And by golly they like me at the donation sites. They take one look at my arm with the tourniquet wrapped tightly around it and they all say the same thing.
"WOW!"
Yep, I have GIANT veins. Giant! With the tourniquet on my arm, I've heard you can see my veins from space! Okay, maybe that's a bit of a stretch, but seriously they are huge. I'm a phlebotomist, and when in class for phlebotomy, I was everybody's favorite pin cushion. You simply can't miss hitting my great big, ol' blue veins.
Not to mention that I have never been turned away. Ever. I am a good donor. I meet all the requirments and pass all the tests. I've never lived in a foreign country for more than four months, I've never lived with anybody from a third world country and I've never had malaria, I've never had a tattoo...blah, blah, blah...
So when I found out we could earn the chance to win a month of free rent, I jumped at the chance. I was as sure of my donating as I am sure the day is long. So when I was turned away yesterday for low iron, I was more than a little surprised. How can that be? My iron can't be low! I just had it checked at the doctor's office! Didn't they just test my blood for iron, Vitamin D, and thyroid problems?
Oh I forgot to mention that all those tests came back completely normal. Even my vitamin D came back normal and that's not typical. 9 times out of 10, vitamin D tests come back low. Most people walk around everyday with defficiant vitamin D levels. I'm not saying I'm special or anything! It's just unusual.
Anyway back to the story, So my iron was low and they turned me away for the first time ever. They checked it twice, and yep! It's too low. So the lady who was checking my blood asked me if I was getting enough sleep at night? Has there been any changes in my diet? I'm thinking, "wait a minuet. All these questions are the same questions my doctor just asked me last week. I said no then and I still say no. No changes. I sleep fine, my stress levels have actually gotten better and I eat well everyday. I even take a Flintstone vitamin everyday. Okay, they belong to the kids but hey, they taste good and why not? I know, I know. I need to get my own.
Well when I left there all bummed out, I was wondering. What WAS my blood test results? What were the actual numbers on those blood tests? So I flipped open the phone and called the doctor's office right then. I asked the medical assistant what were the actual numbers of each blood test that was taken just last week?
She gave me the numbers, and she was right. I registered normal for each blood test that was run but wait...what's this? They didn't run Iron?
"No iron test?" I asked.
"No, iron wasn't tested." she replied
Okay, I went in to see the doctor for body aches and chills and fatigue, and of all the tests that were ran, my iron level wasn't one of them? How can that be? Could I be anemic and not know it? Could I have been fighting off some random cold when I went to the doctor, and I was dehydrated, and maybe even anemic? Do I need to go back to the doctor's office yet again for more blood tests? Should I even bother? I asked the medical assistant what would happen if a person is reported to have low iron results and she replied that the patient just needs to take an over the counter iron suppliment.
Super. That's easy. That's not too hard. Maybe I shouldn't bother wasting hours from my day and open another big ol giant blue vein just to have my iron tested. Adding an iron suppliment to my daily pill planner is as easy as farting in the wind. No big deal.
I just wish I had known this about my iron a few days ago. Maybe then I wouldn't have lost out on free rent for a month. That money, right now, would seriously have come in handy! I have a lot of stuff going on right now that is about to cost me big bucks. The van broke down and I need to either get it fixed or get a new one. I'm probably going to spend a giant chunck of money because I need to find an attorney in Kansas City that specialises in real estate. Sheesh!
When it rains, it pours, don't you know? This was Murphy's Law in play, that's what this was. This was the God's of Fate smirking, rolling their eyes and shaking their heads at me. They must have seen that it was going too smoothly over here for me and decided to send in good old Murphy and his big bunch of stupid laws because now everything is messed up.
Next time I'm gonna.....oh who am I kidding? You never know when Murphy is coming over. He just pops in UNinvited. Nobody can ever plan ahead when it comes to that dick head.
Stupid iron.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
This ain't no frigging walk through the garden here!
Here I am just sitting on the couch and watching the kitty cats playing and running all over the house. The occasional hissing sound or playful growl is the only thing I can hear at the moment, and this is a good thing. WHAT a crappy day it has been. Honestly. It sucked eggs.
I have been going back and forth with my oldest boy today. We never seem to see eye to eye on anything. If God gives challenges, then this child is my challenge. It's not my middle son with ADHD and Tourrette's, oh no! It's my oldest son with ADHD and ODD. That's short for Oppositional Defiant Disorder. It's like raising a two year old ALL THE TIME. You know, like he hit the terrible twos and just never grew out of it. Seriously though, ODD is a mental condition. It usually comes hand in hand with ADHD. According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry:
The following are behaviors are associated with ODD:
Treatment of ODD involves therapy, special types of training to help build positive family interactions, and possibly medications to treat related mental health conditions.
We are doing all of it.
Well, let me tell you! It's been no walk through the frigging park raising this child! Just taking care of my son during one of his fits can seriously take hoooouuuurrrsss. It's like I can't pay attention to anything else because it takes all the strength I can muster just to control my own temper. I have to try to remember all my training that I have been getting from our family counselor because I MUST be a good example of how to maintain self-control when all I really want to do is fling the front door open and kick his grumpy little hiny out!
Here lately he has been stealing /hiding /eating candy and lying about it. It's like he is OBSESSED with candy! I give candy to the boys as a reward for earning so many "good-behaviour" stickers on our little sticker chart thingy. We follow this sticker chart ever faithfully, and I like how the boys are able to see how many stickers they earn in a day. We have followed this sticker chart thing for months now. Well my oldest found the candy stash one night and just let all sense and self control go right out the door. He ate almost the entire bag of candy treats! All but three pieces. I discovered the wrappers all over his room this morning and I was furious. What made me even more angry was when I confronted him about his little midnight raid, he tried to deny it.
Riiiiight.
Like 10+ pieces of candy decided to shed their wrappers and hit the road, but before they left they hid their wrapper mess UNDER my son's pillow and bed. Ya, that could happen?
This isn't the first time this has happened. Nope, huh-uh. Not even the second time. Or even the third time for that matter. This kid has absolutely no controll. He is completely impulsive. I have tried and tried and tried to get this boy to take some responsibility over his actions. I've tried to get him to understand why high levels of sugar and food coloring are bad for a kid with his condition. He just doesn't get it. I've even tried to help him practice self control and impulsive behaviours and reward his success, but nothing seems to work on this kid. If he finds candy, he will eat it.
Maybe you're not understanding what a big deal this is. You're probably thinking, "Dang! Just give the kid a piece of candy or something. No big deal." Well let me give you an example of what I am dealing with:
My son will eat any kind of candy off the ground, trash can, or even moldy, slimy, moss covered nastiness. Even if it was half eaten by somebody else. He will chew gum that he finds from under restaurant tables and from off the sidewalks. He will try and swindle anybody he can into giving him another piece if they offer him one, then he will steal another piece when they aren't looking. What has bothered me the most of all is when he will steal money from my wallet to purchase it.
What am I supposed to do with this kid? The lies are stacking up. He has ruined my trust for him completely. I don't just think he's lying to me anymore, I KNOW he is. I can tell because his lips are moving. He lies to me for just about anything, really. Not just candy. It kills me because in the past I have discovered something bad that one of my kids has done and NOBODY will confess to it. Typical stuff. That's the way kids are, right? I usually already know who did it, but I tell the boys, "Okay since nobody will confess to the crime then you all will be punished until somebody tells me the truth."
Get this, my youngest, my four year old, in the past, has confessed to the crimes but he wasn't the culprit. Turns out, the kid "whodunnit" was my oldest but he was allowing my four year old to fall on the bomb. To take one for the team! I was so shocked one day when my oldest finally came clean about what had been going on. I was glad that he told me, but so ashamed at him. I told him too. "Thank you for FINALLY telling the truth but shame on you." I wonder how many times I've disciplined my four year when he was really innocent? Then again, what is that kid thinking taking the blame? Yes, I've talked to him about it, but how much of what I said does he understand? I mean, he's four.
So today has been one of those days from hell. All day long it has been a struggle with my oldest son's temper because he is being disciplined for his dishonesty and he doesn't like it! He hates being grounded because now he's BORED! Now he doesn't have anything to do and he's ill-tempered. It's so completely inconceivable to him that the sun doesn't rise and set in his honour. He doesn't get that the sun and moon and stars don't actually orbit around his royal little ass. He doesn't understand that I, his mother, don't have to entertain him while he is being grounded from the other things that were created for his entertainment. To be perfectly honest, I don't understand why he thinks he is so entitled. My other two boys don't behave this way at all.
The quiet here in the house has been something that I have looked forward to all day. Finally some peace and quiet for mommy. Finally my oldest is asleep. I bet he's up there right now dreaming up new ways to get around his grounding. Little brat.
I have been going back and forth with my oldest boy today. We never seem to see eye to eye on anything. If God gives challenges, then this child is my challenge. It's not my middle son with ADHD and Tourrette's, oh no! It's my oldest son with ADHD and ODD. That's short for Oppositional Defiant Disorder. It's like raising a two year old ALL THE TIME. You know, like he hit the terrible twos and just never grew out of it. Seriously though, ODD is a mental condition. It usually comes hand in hand with ADHD. According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry:
The following are behaviors are associated with ODD:
- Negativity
- Defiance
- Disobedience
- Hostility directed toward authority figures
- Temper tantrums (yes)
- Argumentativeness with adults (yep)
- Refusal to comply with adult requests or rules (yeppers)
- Deliberate annoyance of other people (check mark)
- Blaming others for mistakes or misbehavior (double check mark)
- Acting touchy and easily annoyed (oh my gosh, like all the time)
- Anger and resentment (so bad I walk on egg shells)
- Spiteful or vindictive behavior (oh yeah, that's for sure)
- Aggressiveness toward peers (and towards brothers)
- Difficulty maintaining friendships (unfortunately)
- Academic problems (if this includes fighting with his teacher than yes.)
- Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)
- Anxiety
- Depression
Treatment of ODD involves therapy, special types of training to help build positive family interactions, and possibly medications to treat related mental health conditions.
We are doing all of it.
Well, let me tell you! It's been no walk through the frigging park raising this child! Just taking care of my son during one of his fits can seriously take hoooouuuurrrsss. It's like I can't pay attention to anything else because it takes all the strength I can muster just to control my own temper. I have to try to remember all my training that I have been getting from our family counselor because I MUST be a good example of how to maintain self-control when all I really want to do is fling the front door open and kick his grumpy little hiny out!
Here lately he has been stealing /hiding /eating candy and lying about it. It's like he is OBSESSED with candy! I give candy to the boys as a reward for earning so many "good-behaviour" stickers on our little sticker chart thingy. We follow this sticker chart ever faithfully, and I like how the boys are able to see how many stickers they earn in a day. We have followed this sticker chart thing for months now. Well my oldest found the candy stash one night and just let all sense and self control go right out the door. He ate almost the entire bag of candy treats! All but three pieces. I discovered the wrappers all over his room this morning and I was furious. What made me even more angry was when I confronted him about his little midnight raid, he tried to deny it.
Riiiiight.
Like 10+ pieces of candy decided to shed their wrappers and hit the road, but before they left they hid their wrapper mess UNDER my son's pillow and bed. Ya, that could happen?
This isn't the first time this has happened. Nope, huh-uh. Not even the second time. Or even the third time for that matter. This kid has absolutely no controll. He is completely impulsive. I have tried and tried and tried to get this boy to take some responsibility over his actions. I've tried to get him to understand why high levels of sugar and food coloring are bad for a kid with his condition. He just doesn't get it. I've even tried to help him practice self control and impulsive behaviours and reward his success, but nothing seems to work on this kid. If he finds candy, he will eat it.
Maybe you're not understanding what a big deal this is. You're probably thinking, "Dang! Just give the kid a piece of candy or something. No big deal." Well let me give you an example of what I am dealing with:
My son will eat any kind of candy off the ground, trash can, or even moldy, slimy, moss covered nastiness. Even if it was half eaten by somebody else. He will chew gum that he finds from under restaurant tables and from off the sidewalks. He will try and swindle anybody he can into giving him another piece if they offer him one, then he will steal another piece when they aren't looking. What has bothered me the most of all is when he will steal money from my wallet to purchase it.
What am I supposed to do with this kid? The lies are stacking up. He has ruined my trust for him completely. I don't just think he's lying to me anymore, I KNOW he is. I can tell because his lips are moving. He lies to me for just about anything, really. Not just candy. It kills me because in the past I have discovered something bad that one of my kids has done and NOBODY will confess to it. Typical stuff. That's the way kids are, right? I usually already know who did it, but I tell the boys, "Okay since nobody will confess to the crime then you all will be punished until somebody tells me the truth."
Get this, my youngest, my four year old, in the past, has confessed to the crimes but he wasn't the culprit. Turns out, the kid "whodunnit" was my oldest but he was allowing my four year old to fall on the bomb. To take one for the team! I was so shocked one day when my oldest finally came clean about what had been going on. I was glad that he told me, but so ashamed at him. I told him too. "Thank you for FINALLY telling the truth but shame on you." I wonder how many times I've disciplined my four year when he was really innocent? Then again, what is that kid thinking taking the blame? Yes, I've talked to him about it, but how much of what I said does he understand? I mean, he's four.
So today has been one of those days from hell. All day long it has been a struggle with my oldest son's temper because he is being disciplined for his dishonesty and he doesn't like it! He hates being grounded because now he's BORED! Now he doesn't have anything to do and he's ill-tempered. It's so completely inconceivable to him that the sun doesn't rise and set in his honour. He doesn't get that the sun and moon and stars don't actually orbit around his royal little ass. He doesn't understand that I, his mother, don't have to entertain him while he is being grounded from the other things that were created for his entertainment. To be perfectly honest, I don't understand why he thinks he is so entitled. My other two boys don't behave this way at all.
The quiet here in the house has been something that I have looked forward to all day. Finally some peace and quiet for mommy. Finally my oldest is asleep. I bet he's up there right now dreaming up new ways to get around his grounding. Little brat.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
I dislike having a mystery illness
I want to make this a quick blog post because I'm not feeling too good. I have been sick on and off since last October. I been having body aches as if I have the flu or a nasty cold on and off, but I never seem to have a fever or any other flu-ish or cold-ish symptoms. You know? The fever, the coughing, the stuffy nose and all the other yucky crap that usually goes along with those diseases? I don't have that stuff.
I have just boiled it down to stress. I mean think about it? I am constantly stressed out with kids, meds, doctor appointments, kids fighting, therapist appointments, kid's school, the laundry....no husband. Life is just a wee bit stressful these days. This is why I decided to make meditation apart of my life. I meditated just today after I woke up from a nap. Smart girl, huh? A friend of mine instructed me to add echinacea to my diet as an immunity booster. Not even hesitating, I went and got the stuff the very next day. It's been a part of my daily medicinal regiment for about a month now.
Just a few days ago, my youngest came down with strep throat again this year. That's what you get when you're a thumb sucker or in his case a finger sucker. Those little wrinkled fingers just live in his mouth. They set-up residence in there a long time ago. It's going to be nasty little habit to break him of, I can see this already.
So I took him to the doctor and he was prescribed his antibiotics and the doctor advised me to keep an eye out for the rest of us in the house because you know? Strep is very contagious!
Well guess what? Within days I fltl like poop. I had the body aches and chills. No pain when I swallowed but definititely the body aches. So this morning, being the smart and responsible mommy that I am, I went to the doctor. She looked in mouth. She looked at my tonsils. Nothing. She looked in my ears. Nothing. She looked at my eyes, my nose, and she felt on my neck for my glands. Nothing. She took a swab of my tonsils and up my nose. Those tests came back negative for strep or even for Influenza A. She then had me go pee in a cup. Those are fun times, especially when you're a girl. That particular urine test came back with high keytons and something else.I'm not sure, but all that test added up to was severe dehydration. She can't figure it out. What is wrong with me? She asked me about my sleep at night and of course, since I take my Ambien and Tomazipam, my sleep is good. I told her that I have been meditating once or twice a day, and I feel like my stress level has decreased significanly. The boys haven't been driving me insane too bad lately because we have had therapist appointments and psychiatrist appointments to help keep that portion of our lives under control.
I did admit to her that this body ache-y feeling has been coming and going since last October. I figured it had to be low immunity due to a stressed-out life, but that I THOUGHT this was under control now? She just looked at me for a long time with a very confused look on her face. She has no idea what's wrong with my body. This is a conumdrum to her and I could tell she was going over all her medical training in her head. Did she ask all the right questions about my diet and sleep habits? Did she miss something?
Finaly she announced that she is going to have to take some of my blood. She decided that she is going to have to run my blood for low iron, Thyroid problems, and Vitamin D defficiency. I was thinking she should have added a CBC (or complete blood count) just for good measure, but she is the doctor!
So right at this moment I have no answers as to why I have low energy, chills, and body aches. At this very moment all I know is that I was dehydrated but I have been drinking my yucky water all day and resting my cold, weary bones. I should be able to get my test results back by Monday. Monday seems a long way away from this Thursday. Waiting sucks. I don't like waiting. I don't like that my doctor isn't going to be in her office tomorrow and so I'm going to have to wait all weekend long to figure out what's going on.
Have I ever mention that I'm not a very patient person either?
I have just boiled it down to stress. I mean think about it? I am constantly stressed out with kids, meds, doctor appointments, kids fighting, therapist appointments, kid's school, the laundry....no husband. Life is just a wee bit stressful these days. This is why I decided to make meditation apart of my life. I meditated just today after I woke up from a nap. Smart girl, huh? A friend of mine instructed me to add echinacea to my diet as an immunity booster. Not even hesitating, I went and got the stuff the very next day. It's been a part of my daily medicinal regiment for about a month now.
Just a few days ago, my youngest came down with strep throat again this year. That's what you get when you're a thumb sucker or in his case a finger sucker. Those little wrinkled fingers just live in his mouth. They set-up residence in there a long time ago. It's going to be nasty little habit to break him of, I can see this already.
So I took him to the doctor and he was prescribed his antibiotics and the doctor advised me to keep an eye out for the rest of us in the house because you know? Strep is very contagious!
Well guess what? Within days I fltl like poop. I had the body aches and chills. No pain when I swallowed but definititely the body aches. So this morning, being the smart and responsible mommy that I am, I went to the doctor. She looked in mouth. She looked at my tonsils. Nothing. She looked in my ears. Nothing. She looked at my eyes, my nose, and she felt on my neck for my glands. Nothing. She took a swab of my tonsils and up my nose. Those tests came back negative for strep or even for Influenza A. She then had me go pee in a cup. Those are fun times, especially when you're a girl. That particular urine test came back with high keytons and something else.I'm not sure, but all that test added up to was severe dehydration. She can't figure it out. What is wrong with me? She asked me about my sleep at night and of course, since I take my Ambien and Tomazipam, my sleep is good. I told her that I have been meditating once or twice a day, and I feel like my stress level has decreased significanly. The boys haven't been driving me insane too bad lately because we have had therapist appointments and psychiatrist appointments to help keep that portion of our lives under control.
I did admit to her that this body ache-y feeling has been coming and going since last October. I figured it had to be low immunity due to a stressed-out life, but that I THOUGHT this was under control now? She just looked at me for a long time with a very confused look on her face. She has no idea what's wrong with my body. This is a conumdrum to her and I could tell she was going over all her medical training in her head. Did she ask all the right questions about my diet and sleep habits? Did she miss something?
Finaly she announced that she is going to have to take some of my blood. She decided that she is going to have to run my blood for low iron, Thyroid problems, and Vitamin D defficiency. I was thinking she should have added a CBC (or complete blood count) just for good measure, but she is the doctor!
So right at this moment I have no answers as to why I have low energy, chills, and body aches. At this very moment all I know is that I was dehydrated but I have been drinking my yucky water all day and resting my cold, weary bones. I should be able to get my test results back by Monday. Monday seems a long way away from this Thursday. Waiting sucks. I don't like waiting. I don't like that my doctor isn't going to be in her office tomorrow and so I'm going to have to wait all weekend long to figure out what's going on.
Have I ever mention that I'm not a very patient person either?
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Getting schooled by the way of self help
Isn't that something? Yesterday was supposed to be the saddest day of the year. Isn't that sad? Know why? Because it's time for people that made New Year's resolutions to realise that they are not succeeding at keeping up with their resolutions and their hopes are crashing.That's a real bummer. It's a bummer that there is a day that can be officially called the "saddest day of the year". It's more sad that that is the reason. So if you made a New Year's resolution , I sure hope you're keeping it. I hope you're not feeling sad because hey! This is still a new year! Get back on the horse and keep riding! I know I certainly am. Even as I write this I am trying to sit in a non-slouching position and willing my back to not hurt. I checked out a book from the library the other day called, 'The Complete Idiot's Guide To Meditation'. Fun title, huh?
Well that's me. The complete idiot when it comes to meditation. I am sucking at it. Or maybe I should say, the brain is sucking at it. It's so loud in there! My brain is like a two year old in church. So this is how it's unfolding in my brain:
Shhh. It's time to use your inside voice now.
Inside voice? What's an inside voice!
Shhh!! Sit down!Settle down!
What? What's that? Why? But I want to stand in the pews and talk to the lady behind me!
No. Now is not the time for that behaviour. Right now is the time to be nice and quiet and pay attention. So sit down and get quiet. Please!
But we all know that trying to reason with a 2 year old is impossible. So now is the time to bring out reinforcements. Now is the time to read a book for complete idiots and get my "self help" going.
According to this "guide" my body contains seven chakras or energy centers. The first one (Saturn) is located at the base of my spine and the other six are located up through out my body at different locations including the navel, stomach, heart, throat, eyes and head. What it's instructing me to do is to sit and concentrate on my Saturn chakra and "awaken" the energy that lies dormant in this area. My guide instructs me to pretend that this energy is rising up to the next chakra and then the next one, and the next one until my energy has reached the top. (At my brain) Then just as slowly, I need to let it fall back down just the same way it rose, meeting at each chakra. Then if I feel like I can handle it, try to do it all over again.
Last night though, my back was killing me. So I tried to sit and meditate using this new method, but honestly I was in so much pain and so wriggly, trying to get in a new comfortable position that I gave up. So I had to resort to my usual, and might I add satisfying method, of lying down and putting on my headphones and listening to my meditation for dummies "chill-drill".
The guide let me know that these chakras can get blocked. You know, troublesome?
Uh-huh. Okay.
It also tells me that these blocked chakras can be opened up by a good dose of yoga poses that focus on these certain troublesome spots. Sigh.... I knew it was going to say that. I had a feeling that was going to be the solution.
But! Never fear! This is why I found a book at the library called 'The Complete Idiot's Guide To Yoga'. Hee-hee.
Would you believe that this book is pretty popular? It wasn't at the library when I looked for it. I had to be put on a waiting list for this book, actually. So right now I don't exactly have the book. Yet. But I will soon! I am like third in que, or something like that. So hopefully soon I will be able to get my hands on this book. Until then I have the internet, right? I've said before that I've learned more from Google than I ever learned in school so I guess it couldn't hurt to use my good old fashioned search engine for research.
I refuse to give up. I refuse to become part of this large percent of sad Americans who gave up on their resolutions. I can't give up because that would mean I gave up on trying to make myself a happier person. You know what? It's a good thing I didn't resolve to lose weight this year. Since I'm all about rewarding myself and all that jazz, I have decided that eating another Oreo can't hurt. I mean I'm not going to go crazy and gorge on cookies and candy, but at the same time, I ain't turning down that second helping of that yummy chocolate cake, thank you very much. Why bother turning it down? Cake makes me smile on the inside, and I really like it when I can smile on the inside. I want to "smile in my liver." :o) So, don't be shocked if you see me eating more than two Oreos at the next social gathering that made the mistake of serving refreshments. I'm just making myself smile on the inside. Hee-hee!
Well that's me. The complete idiot when it comes to meditation. I am sucking at it. Or maybe I should say, the brain is sucking at it. It's so loud in there! My brain is like a two year old in church. So this is how it's unfolding in my brain:
Shhh. It's time to use your inside voice now.
Inside voice? What's an inside voice!
Shhh!! Sit down!Settle down!
What? What's that? Why? But I want to stand in the pews and talk to the lady behind me!
No. Now is not the time for that behaviour. Right now is the time to be nice and quiet and pay attention. So sit down and get quiet. Please!
But we all know that trying to reason with a 2 year old is impossible. So now is the time to bring out reinforcements. Now is the time to read a book for complete idiots and get my "self help" going.
According to this "guide" my body contains seven chakras or energy centers. The first one (Saturn) is located at the base of my spine and the other six are located up through out my body at different locations including the navel, stomach, heart, throat, eyes and head. What it's instructing me to do is to sit and concentrate on my Saturn chakra and "awaken" the energy that lies dormant in this area. My guide instructs me to pretend that this energy is rising up to the next chakra and then the next one, and the next one until my energy has reached the top. (At my brain) Then just as slowly, I need to let it fall back down just the same way it rose, meeting at each chakra. Then if I feel like I can handle it, try to do it all over again.
Last night though, my back was killing me. So I tried to sit and meditate using this new method, but honestly I was in so much pain and so wriggly, trying to get in a new comfortable position that I gave up. So I had to resort to my usual, and might I add satisfying method, of lying down and putting on my headphones and listening to my meditation for dummies "chill-drill".
The guide let me know that these chakras can get blocked. You know, troublesome?
Uh-huh. Okay.
It also tells me that these blocked chakras can be opened up by a good dose of yoga poses that focus on these certain troublesome spots. Sigh.... I knew it was going to say that. I had a feeling that was going to be the solution.
But! Never fear! This is why I found a book at the library called 'The Complete Idiot's Guide To Yoga'. Hee-hee.
Would you believe that this book is pretty popular? It wasn't at the library when I looked for it. I had to be put on a waiting list for this book, actually. So right now I don't exactly have the book. Yet. But I will soon! I am like third in que, or something like that. So hopefully soon I will be able to get my hands on this book. Until then I have the internet, right? I've said before that I've learned more from Google than I ever learned in school so I guess it couldn't hurt to use my good old fashioned search engine for research.
I refuse to give up. I refuse to become part of this large percent of sad Americans who gave up on their resolutions. I can't give up because that would mean I gave up on trying to make myself a happier person. You know what? It's a good thing I didn't resolve to lose weight this year. Since I'm all about rewarding myself and all that jazz, I have decided that eating another Oreo can't hurt. I mean I'm not going to go crazy and gorge on cookies and candy, but at the same time, I ain't turning down that second helping of that yummy chocolate cake, thank you very much. Why bother turning it down? Cake makes me smile on the inside, and I really like it when I can smile on the inside. I want to "smile in my liver." :o) So, don't be shocked if you see me eating more than two Oreos at the next social gathering that made the mistake of serving refreshments. I'm just making myself smile on the inside. Hee-hee!
Saturday, January 15, 2011
My letter to my friend Heather
Dear Heather,
One day at a time. That's what I'm taking it as. One little teeny, tiny day at a time. Do you rememeber when I lived there in Kansas City and David and Mark were just babies? It was SO HARD for me everyday that I remember telling you that I was taking it crisis by crisis. They were so difficult as babies and I was so all alone then too like I am still (like you are now) because Mark was with Ford (Paul works so much overtime). I was falling apart. Almost literaly. I was losing my hair from the stress. I was so depressed that I was ready to walk out the door and never turn around. I even thought about walking to the Paseo Bridge and jumping off. I was at my lowest for sure. It hurst to remeber those days. I can't ever, ever let it get that bad again. If I had the sense to ask for help back then I think so much would have been better. I should have learned to accept help when it was offered back then and maybe I wouldn't have gone through all that misery. I'm still surprised everyday that I survived my children's baby-hood. But well, better late than never, right? I didn't have answers then like I have answers now. I didn't understand why my kids were behaving so horribly. I didn't understand why I was having these thoughts of jumping off a bridge. Had I called out for help, then I would have been helped. I would have found out early that I was depressed and the kids have ADHD and ODD and so do I. Now things are like...I can't explain it.... better. Things are just better. I actually received a compliment from my sister! The last time she saw me and the kids, it was over Christmas break. She noted that the boys are behaving better, and I seem to be controling my temper better. That's the first time I have ever recieved a compliment like that. Things ARE getting better. We have a family counselor coming three days a week. I have been following through with disipline, and I have been holding the boys' behaviour to a higher standard. I have everybody on their proper medications with regular visits to our psychiatrist. All this is working because I finaly got smart and cried Uncle. I realized that I just can't handle this circle of insanity anymore. I am sick and tired of watching other people's children behaving and thinking, "why have I never, ever had that? What am I doing wrong?" Now I have answers. Now I have help. Now that I see how wonderful it can be to ask for help, I'm never turning back. But honestly, I still have a long way to go. I asked for help with my children first because that was what was on fire first. My family was on fire. It had to be saved first. Now that I have my children protected and safe, it's time to turn my attention to the other aspects of my life. What else is on fire? Me? My friendships? My social life? The way I handle other people's obligations as if they were my own? Yep. That sounds like a good a place to start. Asking for help saved my life. It saved my family. It's still saving us. All I can say is, do the right thing. Asking is hard, I KNOW. But just do it. Even it starts off small. Like accepting rides in the morning for Nathan. I love you so much, Heather. You really are a great mother. It really does get better. I promise.
Jayme
P.S. I like your idea of burning letters and wishes in my sink. I like mom's idea too. Each idea seems to go by the same principal. Asking for help and sending it to God. That seems to be the main theme here, and it's something I am going to try....heck... today! I have a list as long as my arm. I hope I don't overwhem God with all my problems. As if overwhelming God were even a possibility. But seriously, it's a long list.
One day at a time. That's what I'm taking it as. One little teeny, tiny day at a time. Do you rememeber when I lived there in Kansas City and David and Mark were just babies? It was SO HARD for me everyday that I remember telling you that I was taking it crisis by crisis. They were so difficult as babies and I was so all alone then too like I am still (like you are now) because Mark was with Ford (Paul works so much overtime). I was falling apart. Almost literaly. I was losing my hair from the stress. I was so depressed that I was ready to walk out the door and never turn around. I even thought about walking to the Paseo Bridge and jumping off. I was at my lowest for sure. It hurst to remeber those days. I can't ever, ever let it get that bad again. If I had the sense to ask for help back then I think so much would have been better. I should have learned to accept help when it was offered back then and maybe I wouldn't have gone through all that misery. I'm still surprised everyday that I survived my children's baby-hood. But well, better late than never, right? I didn't have answers then like I have answers now. I didn't understand why my kids were behaving so horribly. I didn't understand why I was having these thoughts of jumping off a bridge. Had I called out for help, then I would have been helped. I would have found out early that I was depressed and the kids have ADHD and ODD and so do I. Now things are like...I can't explain it.... better. Things are just better. I actually received a compliment from my sister! The last time she saw me and the kids, it was over Christmas break. She noted that the boys are behaving better, and I seem to be controling my temper better. That's the first time I have ever recieved a compliment like that. Things ARE getting better. We have a family counselor coming three days a week. I have been following through with disipline, and I have been holding the boys' behaviour to a higher standard. I have everybody on their proper medications with regular visits to our psychiatrist. All this is working because I finaly got smart and cried Uncle. I realized that I just can't handle this circle of insanity anymore. I am sick and tired of watching other people's children behaving and thinking, "why have I never, ever had that? What am I doing wrong?" Now I have answers. Now I have help. Now that I see how wonderful it can be to ask for help, I'm never turning back. But honestly, I still have a long way to go. I asked for help with my children first because that was what was on fire first. My family was on fire. It had to be saved first. Now that I have my children protected and safe, it's time to turn my attention to the other aspects of my life. What else is on fire? Me? My friendships? My social life? The way I handle other people's obligations as if they were my own? Yep. That sounds like a good a place to start. Asking for help saved my life. It saved my family. It's still saving us. All I can say is, do the right thing. Asking is hard, I KNOW. But just do it. Even it starts off small. Like accepting rides in the morning for Nathan. I love you so much, Heather. You really are a great mother. It really does get better. I promise.
Jayme
P.S. I like your idea of burning letters and wishes in my sink. I like mom's idea too. Each idea seems to go by the same principal. Asking for help and sending it to God. That seems to be the main theme here, and it's something I am going to try....heck... today! I have a list as long as my arm. I hope I don't overwhem God with all my problems. As if overwhelming God were even a possibility. But seriously, it's a long list.
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