Okay I have gone a few days now with no aches or pains. The past few times the aches have bothered me, they were reading pretty low on the pain scale, but today, oh man! Today they are kicking my butt. I woke up this morning and it took forever to get out of bed. I was SO tired. I felt like a thousand pounds. I weighed myself, but nope. I was not a thousand pounds, but I sure felt it. Walking up and down the stairs this morning was unusually tiresome, but I wasn't feeling the aches yet so I didn't think anything of it except that I was having a rough morning.
So like usual, after I dropped off the boys at school I headed over to the gym to meet with with my friend, Holly. She has insisted that I join her in the mornings for a short workout, and if you know me then you know this is a pretty big deal. I am in no stretch of the imagination what we could call a "morning person". Perky people in the morning, in my opinion, need a good nail through the head. I'm allergic to moving too fast, smiling, or talking in a civil fashion before my first cup of coffee, but the morning time is the only time I have during my day to do any working out. So I agreed to meet her in the mornings for a workout in spite of it all. Besides, I need to get into shape for the Susan G. Komen Race For The Cure 5K coming up in a few months. Ain't nothing in the world--even these cursed body aches--gonna stop me from participating in this marathon. Nothing. I will be there in a freaking wheel chair so help me!
So there I was this morning, on the elliptical machine, while my 4 year old walked on the treadmill beside me and Holly on the other treadmill on the other side of me when all of a sudden....there they were. Those damned body aches. They came on with such a ferociousness that it had me wondering. What in the heck? Was it my work out that made them come on so hard and fast? Was it because they have been so light and bearable the past few times that I thought they were on their way out? Is it because they didn't want me to go thinking that I was winning this war? Because I thought I was winning, but right at this moment I feel like they are kicking my ass right into the ground. Just typing hurts. But honestly, it's either type and keep my brain occupied or die from boredom while watching Go Diego Go with my four year old.
I think actually I am going to take a nap now. I am starting to feel like I can sleep, or at least lay down and rest. These aches are so bad right now that I'm giving up and resting. It's a short school day today and that means the boys will be home earlier than usual. I need to be rested and ready. I need to sit and feel sorry for myself for a while. I need to cry and wonder what in the crazy hell is wrong with my body still and why won't these aches go away and leave me alone? I just need to get it out of the way now because when the kids get home later I will need to be over this cry-baby stage. You think they will feel sorry for me? Think again. You think they will make dinner for me?
Yeah, right. Dream on. Mommy doesn't get a day off.
Being the mommy sucks sometimes.
About Me
- Jayme
- I am an army wife with three kids. I live too many miles from any family members but I have a support group of friends here in this high desert that I am thankful and greatful for every single day. I am in a soul search for myself. I have always been a "yes" person. A person who can never say "no". Because of this I have lost Me along the way, and I am tired of being lost. It's time for Jayme to find herself and be happy. The past 6 months have been hard for me. I mean REALLY challenging because like I said, I am an Army wife with three kids and sometimes I have to do things like, you know, on my own. I have another 6-7 months of more challenge ahead of me. But I think I should look at it as 6-7 more months of recreating a better me. A woman who is comfortable in her own skin. Somebody who radiates strength and inner-peace. Somebody who has a closeness with her God and herself. Somebody who can also--finaly--put herself first and use the word "no".
Friday, February 25, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
Happy news??
I just had to let you guys know this. I'm very excited about this. I made dinner today!
That's not the good news. The good news is that I made dinner with body aches!
Wait....that's not the good news either. The GOOD NEWS is that the body aches weren't so bad tonight that I couldn't make dinner!
THAT'S the good news!
The body aches are still coming every week, every few days or so but they hurting less and less. So what does this mean???? Has this really just been a wonky virus and it's run to the end of it's course? Am I simply getting used to the pain? I hope...and pray often...that these dumb aches are on their way out and by golly I won't be sad to see the backside of them!
Okay, I just had to blog about this happy news real fast. Now to go to bed because I do still in fact feel sort of crappy and I need rest. Nighty-night all!
That's not the good news. The good news is that I made dinner with body aches!
Wait....that's not the good news either. The GOOD NEWS is that the body aches weren't so bad tonight that I couldn't make dinner!
THAT'S the good news!
The body aches are still coming every week, every few days or so but they hurting less and less. So what does this mean???? Has this really just been a wonky virus and it's run to the end of it's course? Am I simply getting used to the pain? I hope...and pray often...that these dumb aches are on their way out and by golly I won't be sad to see the backside of them!
Okay, I just had to blog about this happy news real fast. Now to go to bed because I do still in fact feel sort of crappy and I need rest. Nighty-night all!
Just Do It---Later.
I have been so lazy lately. How lazy am I? I'll tell you! I have been so lazy that I can't even carry a thought even if it came with a handle. Ha ha....okay, okay. That was a lame one, I know, but seriously, I have been incredibly lazy. Maybe it's my lack of energy?
Maybe it's because other areas of my life have kept me so busy that I look around and see other things aren't getting done? Yep, that sounds logical.
God knows my kids keep me in a constant state of perpetual busy when they are home, but I have not been getting things done. Like the laundry. But laundry sucks and there is never an end to that task anyway so....oh well! I also haven't been cleaning the house. The carpet is in such need of a good vacuuming that I can't walk across it without something getting stuck to my feet. How grodey is that, I ask you? I don't always do the dishes either. Dishes get washed in the dishwasher and then I get too lazy to unload them. So they sit in the washer. Meanwhile, the dirty dishes start to pile up in the sink till I finally breakdown and correct the problem, but then the cycle starts all over again.
I've even taken to just posting on my Facebook in an effort to avoid my e-mails and--unfortunately--blogging on here. But the other aspects of my life have been good and busy. For instance, I brought my deep freezer over to the house from my garage. It wasn't easy. It was heavy. What the reason for that you may wonder? It was laziness inspired. I'm so tired of walking back and forth to the garage when I need something from out of it. Or after I get home from grocery shopping and I need to put all the frozen stuff away and I have to walk it all out to the garage. It's so much more convenient to have the freezer here in the house even though my townhouse is rather smallish and there's not a lot room for a deep freezer. But that brings me to another non-lazy thing I've done lately.
I have gone grocery shopping. I actually sat down and made an official list of all the things we have been needing for a while. Then I thumbed through my coupons with scissors in hand and cut out all the needed coupons. But this action was also laziness inspired. I'm so lazy that making dinner sucks, but driving somewhere with the boys after school sucks just as bad as standing there in the kitchen and cooking. So to resolve this problem I bought lots of "instant" meals. I found lots of precooked-"just stick it in the oven/microwave and boom you have dinner" meals. This helps when I have the body aches too so it's a major plus.
I spent Saturday paying bills. Saturday morning I sat my butt down on the couch with no intention of moving it. So I figured I could do some multi-tasking the lazy way. So I sat there being lazy while paying bills online at the same time. I know, I'm such a ball of pure energy, right?
Do you remember the old Nike slogan: Just Do It! It was written across everything. Television commercials, billboards, and even tee-shirts. Some years ago I remember seeing a tee-shirt that was mocking to the old slogan. Instead of the usual Nike sneakers, there was a picture of messy, untied loafers and over the picture it said: Just Do It Later. I liked that tee-shirt and in some ways it has become my own personal slogan. I have been scratching off some things off my 'to-do' list but not a lot. And certainly not a lot per day. I guess you could say I have slowed down to a nice crawl. When my husband was home, I would go and go and go. He complained that I never took enough time for myself. That my going and going would make me exhausted and grumpy, and he was right. I was. Now that he isn't here I have no choice but to do everything all by myself. I will go and go and go to get as much done as I can in a day. But ever since the body aches have entered my life and I recognize them for what they are--and that fighting them is pointless--I have submitted to a lazier way of life.
I have quit doing the dishes everyday. I go to bed with dishes in the sink! I never used to do that before. I have laundry that piles up to mountainous proportions. I have snoozes on the couch in the middle of the afternoon. Once upon a time, like before the aches came, napping was impossible due to my insomnia. No kidding, sleeping during the day was almost impossible. So much of this is because of the body aches. It's pretty amazing to me how these cursed aches have changed my way of life. My lifestyle. My home. My kids.
I have encouraged the kids to help me out more simply because I cannot do it. I haven't the energy. I've bribed, begged, or demanded the boys into unloading the dishwasher, setting the table for dinner, or cleaning out the cat's litter box. I even had the oldest fold an entire basket of laundry once! But that was mostly because he was wanting to earn more playing time on the Wii. But the fact is, they are helping out more. Sorta. Just a smidge, maybe, but more nonetheless.
I'm not sure if this laziness is good or not. If you're a guest just stopping by for a visit to my home? It's bad. If you're a body ache that has decided to take up residence in my body for a day or two, I guess it's good. But all things considered, I have definitely learned to slow down a great deal. So I guess my personal slogan is: I'll Just Do It Later When The Body Aches Aren't Hurting. Think it's catchy?
Yeah, me neither.
Maybe it's because other areas of my life have kept me so busy that I look around and see other things aren't getting done? Yep, that sounds logical.
God knows my kids keep me in a constant state of perpetual busy when they are home, but I have not been getting things done. Like the laundry. But laundry sucks and there is never an end to that task anyway so....oh well! I also haven't been cleaning the house. The carpet is in such need of a good vacuuming that I can't walk across it without something getting stuck to my feet. How grodey is that, I ask you? I don't always do the dishes either. Dishes get washed in the dishwasher and then I get too lazy to unload them. So they sit in the washer. Meanwhile, the dirty dishes start to pile up in the sink till I finally breakdown and correct the problem, but then the cycle starts all over again.
I've even taken to just posting on my Facebook in an effort to avoid my e-mails and--unfortunately--blogging on here. But the other aspects of my life have been good and busy. For instance, I brought my deep freezer over to the house from my garage. It wasn't easy. It was heavy. What the reason for that you may wonder? It was laziness inspired. I'm so tired of walking back and forth to the garage when I need something from out of it. Or after I get home from grocery shopping and I need to put all the frozen stuff away and I have to walk it all out to the garage. It's so much more convenient to have the freezer here in the house even though my townhouse is rather smallish and there's not a lot room for a deep freezer. But that brings me to another non-lazy thing I've done lately.
I have gone grocery shopping. I actually sat down and made an official list of all the things we have been needing for a while. Then I thumbed through my coupons with scissors in hand and cut out all the needed coupons. But this action was also laziness inspired. I'm so lazy that making dinner sucks, but driving somewhere with the boys after school sucks just as bad as standing there in the kitchen and cooking. So to resolve this problem I bought lots of "instant" meals. I found lots of precooked-"just stick it in the oven/microwave and boom you have dinner" meals. This helps when I have the body aches too so it's a major plus.
I spent Saturday paying bills. Saturday morning I sat my butt down on the couch with no intention of moving it. So I figured I could do some multi-tasking the lazy way. So I sat there being lazy while paying bills online at the same time. I know, I'm such a ball of pure energy, right?
Do you remember the old Nike slogan: Just Do It! It was written across everything. Television commercials, billboards, and even tee-shirts. Some years ago I remember seeing a tee-shirt that was mocking to the old slogan. Instead of the usual Nike sneakers, there was a picture of messy, untied loafers and over the picture it said: Just Do It Later. I liked that tee-shirt and in some ways it has become my own personal slogan. I have been scratching off some things off my 'to-do' list but not a lot. And certainly not a lot per day. I guess you could say I have slowed down to a nice crawl. When my husband was home, I would go and go and go. He complained that I never took enough time for myself. That my going and going would make me exhausted and grumpy, and he was right. I was. Now that he isn't here I have no choice but to do everything all by myself. I will go and go and go to get as much done as I can in a day. But ever since the body aches have entered my life and I recognize them for what they are--and that fighting them is pointless--I have submitted to a lazier way of life.
I have quit doing the dishes everyday. I go to bed with dishes in the sink! I never used to do that before. I have laundry that piles up to mountainous proportions. I have snoozes on the couch in the middle of the afternoon. Once upon a time, like before the aches came, napping was impossible due to my insomnia. No kidding, sleeping during the day was almost impossible. So much of this is because of the body aches. It's pretty amazing to me how these cursed aches have changed my way of life. My lifestyle. My home. My kids.
I have encouraged the kids to help me out more simply because I cannot do it. I haven't the energy. I've bribed, begged, or demanded the boys into unloading the dishwasher, setting the table for dinner, or cleaning out the cat's litter box. I even had the oldest fold an entire basket of laundry once! But that was mostly because he was wanting to earn more playing time on the Wii. But the fact is, they are helping out more. Sorta. Just a smidge, maybe, but more nonetheless.
I'm not sure if this laziness is good or not. If you're a guest just stopping by for a visit to my home? It's bad. If you're a body ache that has decided to take up residence in my body for a day or two, I guess it's good. But all things considered, I have definitely learned to slow down a great deal. So I guess my personal slogan is: I'll Just Do It Later When The Body Aches Aren't Hurting. Think it's catchy?
Yeah, me neither.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
A Spot Of Bother
So what the devil has Jayme been up to?
I have been busy. Or sad. Or both. And I haven’t blogged days. I just haven’t had much to say. Or I haven’t wanted to say anything because when I do it’s not happy. Or positive. It’s pretty down right negative, actually. My life has just hit a super hard spot, that’s all. It’s just a spot of trouble. That sounds okay when I put it like that actually.
The kids are making life difficult at the moment. Darn them! I only have three kids but they seem like more sometimes. Especially my oldest. He is like three kids in one all by himself. My mom once said, “When (my oldest) is in the room, there isn’t much room for anybody else.” and honestly that’s the best way to put it. He is like SO MUCH. It’s not that he’s fat or even slightly large. It’s just that he has this personality that makes him large. He is loud and bossy and dominating and whiny and angry and volatile, and that’s just on a regular day-to-day basis. I mean, yeah sure, some days he can be kind and loving--but never quiet and never meek. There isn’t a meek bone in this kid’s entire body.
As of late, the kids are back to their old tricks. They argue about everything. They hit each other. Somebody is always in tears at some point. Including me, and I am going crazy. My oldest boy has been up to HIS old tricks with a new gusto. He lies to me about everything. He takes things that don’t belong to him. He hides EVERYTHING from me. Did I mention he hides things? I mean anything. Homework, candy, stolen toys, broken toys and if you can believe this, he hides empty candy wrappers because, “they smell like candy”. I found an empty gum package under his mattress today. When I asked him why it was hidden away he told me that he just liked the smell of it.
*sigh*
I’m not sure if I can burden anymore crap. It’s getting crazy. I’m going crazy. All kidding aside, I was ready to drive myself to a hospital last Sunday and turn myself in as a mental patient. The one thing that was stopping me was, “who will watch after my kids? Would my husband have to come home“? The answer to that question would certainly be yes. How pathetic is that? My husband would have to come home to take care of his insane wife and crazy kids. So I knew I was going to have to shoulder the weight and keep going, but how? I was--as my friend Laurie put it--sucking my thumb and rocking back and forth. Not literally, but I was definitely at the crazy, blubbering stage. I was furious with my oldest for being like the meanest kid ever. I’de had enough of his talking back and his argumentative, disrespectful behavior. I was so mad at that kid I was ready to box his crap up in a suitcase and ship him to Chicago to live with his grandmother. I was ready to ship him ANYWHERE for that matter. He had me so angry that I was crying. He was so angry that HE was crying. This was on Sunday morning remember, and all this arguing took place before church had even started that morning. So much anger and it wasn’t even 10 am yet. I had to sit in the car in the church parking lot for a while after we had arrived at the church just so I could get it together and walk inside.
Thankfully yesterday we had a visit from out family counselor, Mr. Craig. I explained to him that things here have been a bit rough. I talked him through the events that have been taking place here in my personal little mad-house here, and he listened patiently. Once I had gone through each sucky little thing , recalled with complete and lengthy clarity, he asked me a few questions. Like have I been using the reward/discipline system he and I had devised a few months ago? Well, yes and no. I have been using it to a point but after a while I’ve kind of slacked. Without Mr. Craig visiting three times a week like he used to, I haven’t had to answer to anybody to confirm that I have been following it religiously. But yes I have still been using it……pretty much.
It worked better when Mr. Craig was holding me accountable, and that’s true. Sad but true. I should hold myself accountable, right? It’s not always easy though. Sometimes it easier to just let it slide then address the kids arguing about who’s turn it is to ride in the front seat on the way to school….for the hundredth time. It’s easier to just yell at the kid who refuses to come to the table for dinner than remind him….again…. that he is supposed to be working on following instructions and then remind him……again….what his reward will be IF he can follow instructions like a good boy and earn 15 “good boy” stickers for the day.
Why does everything always have to be so hard when it comes to raising these kids? That’s something I would honestly like to know. Why do my boys always have to learn everything the hard way? And why can’t they learn their lessons the first time? Why, oh why, does it take my kids multiple lessons to “get it”? I’m not talking like a couple of times here, folks! I’m talking about time and time again. I swear, they still seem completely surprised that every morning they are expected to get dressed before school. Or eat their food at dinner time. Or stay in their chairs for meals! Or that rolling around on the floor of the grocery store is unacceptable behavior in public. Or that they are supposed to get inside the car and sit down NOT take off down the sidewalk and run as fast as they can and completely ignore the mother yelling after them. Or that the mother who was yelling after them to come back is now the fuming, angry lady beside them and she has the power to ground them for the rest of the day whether they thinks it‘s fair or not. They still forget that it’s the mom who’s in charge and it’s the mom who has the authority.
It’s also the mom who has to make some serious changes….again…to get this family back to some sort of functioning state. I have decided, after some huge soul searching, that I still need to simplify my life. You know how when a kid’s grades start to fail, sometimes it’s good to cut out extra curricular activities? Well after some very serious soul searching and back and forth decision making, I have decided to step down from my FRG activities coordinator position. I had an FRG meeting this afternoon so I decided this would be a good time and place to officially announce my decision. I need to apply all my focus toward these kids and this family. This was not an easy choice for me because I have loved being the FRG activities coordinator. It truly has been my joy, my honor, to be apart of the Family Readiness Group. I have loved gathering supplies, finding donations, and yes, even fund raising, and feeling the importance of being apart of the team. And not just ANY team!! The Family Readiness Group! We are a coordinated bunch of Army wives. I have always felt pride that I can be a mom, a wife--an Army wife--and be the FRG activities coordinator at the same time. But I just can’t kid myself anymore. I can’t do everything I want to do AND be the best mom I can be. And priorities being what they are, I chose to step down.
Am I sad? Yes.
Am I really, really sad? You'd better believe it.
Am I going to change my mind and try to keep juggling it all? No. I can’t.
I have to put my family on the front burner and keep it there so I can continuously stir the pot. This family just won’t survive if I don’t. I don’t want to be that horrible lady who landed herself on the evening news who has been arrested for actually leaving her kids in the mountains, hoping they didn’t find their way back home.
I don’t want to be a bad mother. I don’t want to be the mother who keeps resorting to yelling at the kids. I don’t want to just survive this deployment. I want to live!
Heck, I don’t want to just survive my kids’ childhood. I want to enjoy it! I want to actually enjoy being the mother of these boys.
I know that this is all apart of the whole “recreating Jayme” thing and that I’m doing the right thing to improve my life. I know, I know, I know! I get it, okay? So why does this part of re-creating me suck a 10 on the suck-o-meter?
Don’t answer that, okay?
I know the answer.
I have been busy. Or sad. Or both. And I haven’t blogged days. I just haven’t had much to say. Or I haven’t wanted to say anything because when I do it’s not happy. Or positive. It’s pretty down right negative, actually. My life has just hit a super hard spot, that’s all. It’s just a spot of trouble. That sounds okay when I put it like that actually.
The kids are making life difficult at the moment. Darn them! I only have three kids but they seem like more sometimes. Especially my oldest. He is like three kids in one all by himself. My mom once said, “When (my oldest) is in the room, there isn’t much room for anybody else.” and honestly that’s the best way to put it. He is like SO MUCH. It’s not that he’s fat or even slightly large. It’s just that he has this personality that makes him large. He is loud and bossy and dominating and whiny and angry and volatile, and that’s just on a regular day-to-day basis. I mean, yeah sure, some days he can be kind and loving--but never quiet and never meek. There isn’t a meek bone in this kid’s entire body.
As of late, the kids are back to their old tricks. They argue about everything. They hit each other. Somebody is always in tears at some point. Including me, and I am going crazy. My oldest boy has been up to HIS old tricks with a new gusto. He lies to me about everything. He takes things that don’t belong to him. He hides EVERYTHING from me. Did I mention he hides things? I mean anything. Homework, candy, stolen toys, broken toys and if you can believe this, he hides empty candy wrappers because, “they smell like candy”. I found an empty gum package under his mattress today. When I asked him why it was hidden away he told me that he just liked the smell of it.
*sigh*
I’m not sure if I can burden anymore crap. It’s getting crazy. I’m going crazy. All kidding aside, I was ready to drive myself to a hospital last Sunday and turn myself in as a mental patient. The one thing that was stopping me was, “who will watch after my kids? Would my husband have to come home“? The answer to that question would certainly be yes. How pathetic is that? My husband would have to come home to take care of his insane wife and crazy kids. So I knew I was going to have to shoulder the weight and keep going, but how? I was--as my friend Laurie put it--sucking my thumb and rocking back and forth. Not literally, but I was definitely at the crazy, blubbering stage. I was furious with my oldest for being like the meanest kid ever. I’de had enough of his talking back and his argumentative, disrespectful behavior. I was so mad at that kid I was ready to box his crap up in a suitcase and ship him to Chicago to live with his grandmother. I was ready to ship him ANYWHERE for that matter. He had me so angry that I was crying. He was so angry that HE was crying. This was on Sunday morning remember, and all this arguing took place before church had even started that morning. So much anger and it wasn’t even 10 am yet. I had to sit in the car in the church parking lot for a while after we had arrived at the church just so I could get it together and walk inside.
Thankfully yesterday we had a visit from out family counselor, Mr. Craig. I explained to him that things here have been a bit rough. I talked him through the events that have been taking place here in my personal little mad-house here, and he listened patiently. Once I had gone through each sucky little thing , recalled with complete and lengthy clarity, he asked me a few questions. Like have I been using the reward/discipline system he and I had devised a few months ago? Well, yes and no. I have been using it to a point but after a while I’ve kind of slacked. Without Mr. Craig visiting three times a week like he used to, I haven’t had to answer to anybody to confirm that I have been following it religiously. But yes I have still been using it……pretty much.
It worked better when Mr. Craig was holding me accountable, and that’s true. Sad but true. I should hold myself accountable, right? It’s not always easy though. Sometimes it easier to just let it slide then address the kids arguing about who’s turn it is to ride in the front seat on the way to school….for the hundredth time. It’s easier to just yell at the kid who refuses to come to the table for dinner than remind him….again…. that he is supposed to be working on following instructions and then remind him……again….what his reward will be IF he can follow instructions like a good boy and earn 15 “good boy” stickers for the day.
Why does everything always have to be so hard when it comes to raising these kids? That’s something I would honestly like to know. Why do my boys always have to learn everything the hard way? And why can’t they learn their lessons the first time? Why, oh why, does it take my kids multiple lessons to “get it”? I’m not talking like a couple of times here, folks! I’m talking about time and time again. I swear, they still seem completely surprised that every morning they are expected to get dressed before school. Or eat their food at dinner time. Or stay in their chairs for meals! Or that rolling around on the floor of the grocery store is unacceptable behavior in public. Or that they are supposed to get inside the car and sit down NOT take off down the sidewalk and run as fast as they can and completely ignore the mother yelling after them. Or that the mother who was yelling after them to come back is now the fuming, angry lady beside them and she has the power to ground them for the rest of the day whether they thinks it‘s fair or not. They still forget that it’s the mom who’s in charge and it’s the mom who has the authority.
It’s also the mom who has to make some serious changes….again…to get this family back to some sort of functioning state. I have decided, after some huge soul searching, that I still need to simplify my life. You know how when a kid’s grades start to fail, sometimes it’s good to cut out extra curricular activities? Well after some very serious soul searching and back and forth decision making, I have decided to step down from my FRG activities coordinator position. I had an FRG meeting this afternoon so I decided this would be a good time and place to officially announce my decision. I need to apply all my focus toward these kids and this family. This was not an easy choice for me because I have loved being the FRG activities coordinator. It truly has been my joy, my honor, to be apart of the Family Readiness Group. I have loved gathering supplies, finding donations, and yes, even fund raising, and feeling the importance of being apart of the team. And not just ANY team!! The Family Readiness Group! We are a coordinated bunch of Army wives. I have always felt pride that I can be a mom, a wife--an Army wife--and be the FRG activities coordinator at the same time. But I just can’t kid myself anymore. I can’t do everything I want to do AND be the best mom I can be. And priorities being what they are, I chose to step down.
Am I sad? Yes.
Am I really, really sad? You'd better believe it.
Am I going to change my mind and try to keep juggling it all? No. I can’t.
I have to put my family on the front burner and keep it there so I can continuously stir the pot. This family just won’t survive if I don’t. I don’t want to be that horrible lady who landed herself on the evening news who has been arrested for actually leaving her kids in the mountains, hoping they didn’t find their way back home.
I don’t want to be a bad mother. I don’t want to be the mother who keeps resorting to yelling at the kids. I don’t want to just survive this deployment. I want to live!
Heck, I don’t want to just survive my kids’ childhood. I want to enjoy it! I want to actually enjoy being the mother of these boys.
I know that this is all apart of the whole “recreating Jayme” thing and that I’m doing the right thing to improve my life. I know, I know, I know! I get it, okay? So why does this part of re-creating me suck a 10 on the suck-o-meter?
Don’t answer that, okay?
I know the answer.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Just a quick note here then I'm off!
Just a quick little update here and then I'm going to do some yoga before I am bombarded with little boys and homework and making dinner and blah, blah, blah...
I called an attorney today to find some legal help. I am having so much trouble selling my house in Kansas City that finally I have decided to add some legal beef in my corner. *sigh* It's pretty sad that it's come to this. But hey! I'll do whatever it takes. That house is quite possibly the biggest headache I have ever faced. I feel like David and the house is Goliath. Oh great, now just watch. I'm going to have David and Goliath dreams. Mark my words! Stupid house.
Also, I have decided to dig out an old journal of mine and start writing in it again. Only instead of writing out my feelings, I am going to record what I ate for each meal, and how many hours I slept the night before. I will include things like the weather, if my sleep was good or not, and even my weight. Whatever I think should be recorded because it's time to start pin-pointing the source of my body aches. I'm not taking this shit lying down anymore. It's time to get proactive! I have decided that enough is enough. I don't want to get all achy and sore and think, "Oh great. I'm sick again". Then go to the doctor only to be told that nothing is wrong...again. This IS NOT all in my head! I can feel the aches like I have a sickness equal to the flu or a bad cold, and personally speaking, for a woman who is of good health and only in her 30's, I shouldn't be feeling this way. As the Carley Simon song goes, ..."I haven't got time for the pain.." At least, I think that's a Carley song? What do you think, mom?
And as far as taking care of myself, I have also decided to do some walking in the mornings at my little apartment community gym. 20 mins shouldn't hurt, right? I have a friend who is insisting I give it a try. So I will meet her there in the mornings and we can walk together on the little apartment community treadmills. She's a good friend. She always supplies me with good conversation so it's a win/win!
So now let's see, Yoga, meditation, and now walking. Oh and I am going to get my monthly massage next week. See? I am taking good care of myself. At least, I'm trying anyway. Oh yeah! I'm off to do some light yoga now so....Tah-tah!
I called an attorney today to find some legal help. I am having so much trouble selling my house in Kansas City that finally I have decided to add some legal beef in my corner. *sigh* It's pretty sad that it's come to this. But hey! I'll do whatever it takes. That house is quite possibly the biggest headache I have ever faced. I feel like David and the house is Goliath. Oh great, now just watch. I'm going to have David and Goliath dreams. Mark my words! Stupid house.
Also, I have decided to dig out an old journal of mine and start writing in it again. Only instead of writing out my feelings, I am going to record what I ate for each meal, and how many hours I slept the night before. I will include things like the weather, if my sleep was good or not, and even my weight. Whatever I think should be recorded because it's time to start pin-pointing the source of my body aches. I'm not taking this shit lying down anymore. It's time to get proactive! I have decided that enough is enough. I don't want to get all achy and sore and think, "Oh great. I'm sick again". Then go to the doctor only to be told that nothing is wrong...again. This IS NOT all in my head! I can feel the aches like I have a sickness equal to the flu or a bad cold, and personally speaking, for a woman who is of good health and only in her 30's, I shouldn't be feeling this way. As the Carley Simon song goes, ..."I haven't got time for the pain.." At least, I think that's a Carley song? What do you think, mom?
And as far as taking care of myself, I have also decided to do some walking in the mornings at my little apartment community gym. 20 mins shouldn't hurt, right? I have a friend who is insisting I give it a try. So I will meet her there in the mornings and we can walk together on the little apartment community treadmills. She's a good friend. She always supplies me with good conversation so it's a win/win!
So now let's see, Yoga, meditation, and now walking. Oh and I am going to get my monthly massage next week. See? I am taking good care of myself. At least, I'm trying anyway. Oh yeah! I'm off to do some light yoga now so....Tah-tah!
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Busy, busy, busy
Okay, I was about to post this really nice blog about how my day was so nice and my body aches have subsided so I was finally able to catch up on my mountain of laundry and stacks of dishes. I was about to blog about how I went back to the doctor yesterday and had more blood tests done with the hopes of discovering the source of my body aches only to learn that...again...my tests were all normal. I was going to blog about how even though I am frustrated because I still don't know what's wrong with my body, I still had a very nice day. I cleaned up my messy house and even found the time make a nice dinner that my boys ate, and for them...that's really something! I was thrilled!
(Their ADHD meds usually keep them from being hungry, you see.)
I wanted to write out a really nice blog updating everybody on how well the day went, but just as I sat down to type this all out the phone rang and it was the hubby, and if your hubby is thousands of miles away, living in a war zone, you answer the call. We talked for about half an hour, making plans for the future, and discussing our handsome little men. We talked about how we love each other, and we miss each other, and we can't wait to be together again.
So basically, priorities being what they are, I'm now out of time to blog about all this stuff. It's after 10 pm and I need to read down some chapters from the book I've been reading, and then drift off to dream-land.. Maybe I will get some time tomorrow?
I dunno.
What can I say?
I'm a busy woman.
(Their ADHD meds usually keep them from being hungry, you see.)
I wanted to write out a really nice blog updating everybody on how well the day went, but just as I sat down to type this all out the phone rang and it was the hubby, and if your hubby is thousands of miles away, living in a war zone, you answer the call. We talked for about half an hour, making plans for the future, and discussing our handsome little men. We talked about how we love each other, and we miss each other, and we can't wait to be together again.
So basically, priorities being what they are, I'm now out of time to blog about all this stuff. It's after 10 pm and I need to read down some chapters from the book I've been reading, and then drift off to dream-land.. Maybe I will get some time tomorrow?
I dunno.
What can I say?
I'm a busy woman.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Happy Saturday to you...
Good very early morning to you all and happy Saturday. I am kind of tired, but I have to be up kind of early so I can go get the coffee from Starbucks. They happily are donating coffee to my FRG (Family Readiness Group) so we can serve it to the soldiers. Today is what is called SRP-time. All the soldiers have to perform certain physical tests--blood included--and to update all their information. Have they moved in the last few months? Did they get married? Divorced? Have a baby? All their information must be updated and it takes an entire weekend to get it done. It's a lengthy process and so that is where my FRG unit steps in. We sell food and drinks to the soldiers. It's a fundraiser of sorts for our FRG unit. All this money goes towards our military family get-togethers and at the moment, those get-togethers are happening on a monthly basis. Deployment sucks. It's the FRG's job to make deploment more bearable.
Some of us don't have family here where we are, and we feel incomplete without our soldier home. So we Army families become one strong, extended family. Some of us need that security in friendship. It's good to have a friend that knows what it's like to be all alone on the weekends and holidays and birthdays and graduations and anniversaries. It feels good to have a friend that thinks it's normal to be driving down the road and then without reason you just burst into irrational tears--just because. Or considers it normal to go through the entire closet smelling each of his shirts just to find his scent lingering on one of them. A friend who is going through the same boring, crazy, lonely, or scary moments like you, and they are there to help hold you up or lend you an ear--or shoulder--because you do the same for them.
This is why I am up just a little bit early. I'm getting ready for this SRP fundraiser. I hope it's somewhat successful. We are going to be serving cinnamon rolls, orange juice, coffee and sodas for breakfast, and then for lunch we plan to serve chili. I got up at 5:30 to get the ice for the coolers and the coffee from Starbucks.
So here I am sitting on the couch all finished getting ready. My hair is done and face is washed and my teeth are brushed, and now I'm waiting for the clock to say 7:00am. That's when I plan to go wake up my oldest boy and get him dressed. He is coming with me. The other two boys are going to stay here and sleep in and hang out with their sitter. I need to take my oldest with me because, dang-it, I can't trust him. I hate that I can't trust this kid any farther than I can throw him, but it is what it is. I told him it's because he's my big helper and he's so strong. He--thankfully--was willing to help. Okay, sometimes, I am really proud of that kid. Sometimes he can be a wonderful, kind and loving soul. It's just waaaaay down in there and needs a lot of coaxing to come up the surface. Sometimes there are days that I don't actually want to strangle the last breath out of him. Some days are better than others.
Last night before I went to bed, I did some new Yoga poses, and then sat down to meditate immediately after. It had such a powerful effect. It was like nothing I had experienced before. At first I imagined myself kissing each of my children. I could feel exactly the way their foreheads feel against my lips and their exact body weight and the way they feel in my arms when I hug them. Then just as I finished, I felt myself rise above and beyond them. I could feel myself growing smaller as I became surrounded by the endless, vast enormity of who I am in this world... in time. I felt so tiny, but yet without me--somehow--time can not continue. Without each of us in our own place in this world...in time, we cannot be complete. I can't explain it better than that. It was powerful. I couldn't feel my body. I couldn't feel my hands. It had been left behind as I realized my place in time and in this world and in Heaven and on earth.
All my anxiety, for a moment, was forgotten. It was unimportant. It was insignificant. It was just--stuff. Then all at once I came back to myself, to my body. I felt my hands and the weight of my body. I saw the soft glow from the lamp from behind my closed eyelids.When I opened my eyes, I felt lighter. Like I had released a pressure nozzle from somewhere inside. It was relieving. My stress has been sitting on my shoulders like an iron noose. The burden of carrying it has literally made my head and neck ache. Once I had crawled into bed, I slept all night. It felt good to not toss and turn. When I woke up this morning, I felt as if I had slept well. Thank goodness. I was needing a good night's sleep.
Well, time to get back to reality. I need to go wake up a certain little helper. He needs to get dressed and maybe get some breakfast in his tummy before we hit the road. The sitter will be here soon and I need to get moving before I start to run behind. Happy Saturday to you all! Here's to a successful fundraiser! Know what? It's gonna be a good fundraiser even if we don't make a lot of money. The fact that we're there--honestly--that's all that matters.
Some of us don't have family here where we are, and we feel incomplete without our soldier home. So we Army families become one strong, extended family. Some of us need that security in friendship. It's good to have a friend that knows what it's like to be all alone on the weekends and holidays and birthdays and graduations and anniversaries. It feels good to have a friend that thinks it's normal to be driving down the road and then without reason you just burst into irrational tears--just because. Or considers it normal to go through the entire closet smelling each of his shirts just to find his scent lingering on one of them. A friend who is going through the same boring, crazy, lonely, or scary moments like you, and they are there to help hold you up or lend you an ear--or shoulder--because you do the same for them.
This is why I am up just a little bit early. I'm getting ready for this SRP fundraiser. I hope it's somewhat successful. We are going to be serving cinnamon rolls, orange juice, coffee and sodas for breakfast, and then for lunch we plan to serve chili. I got up at 5:30 to get the ice for the coolers and the coffee from Starbucks.
So here I am sitting on the couch all finished getting ready. My hair is done and face is washed and my teeth are brushed, and now I'm waiting for the clock to say 7:00am. That's when I plan to go wake up my oldest boy and get him dressed. He is coming with me. The other two boys are going to stay here and sleep in and hang out with their sitter. I need to take my oldest with me because, dang-it, I can't trust him. I hate that I can't trust this kid any farther than I can throw him, but it is what it is. I told him it's because he's my big helper and he's so strong. He--thankfully--was willing to help. Okay, sometimes, I am really proud of that kid. Sometimes he can be a wonderful, kind and loving soul. It's just waaaaay down in there and needs a lot of coaxing to come up the surface. Sometimes there are days that I don't actually want to strangle the last breath out of him. Some days are better than others.
Last night before I went to bed, I did some new Yoga poses, and then sat down to meditate immediately after. It had such a powerful effect. It was like nothing I had experienced before. At first I imagined myself kissing each of my children. I could feel exactly the way their foreheads feel against my lips and their exact body weight and the way they feel in my arms when I hug them. Then just as I finished, I felt myself rise above and beyond them. I could feel myself growing smaller as I became surrounded by the endless, vast enormity of who I am in this world... in time. I felt so tiny, but yet without me--somehow--time can not continue. Without each of us in our own place in this world...in time, we cannot be complete. I can't explain it better than that. It was powerful. I couldn't feel my body. I couldn't feel my hands. It had been left behind as I realized my place in time and in this world and in Heaven and on earth.
All my anxiety, for a moment, was forgotten. It was unimportant. It was insignificant. It was just--stuff. Then all at once I came back to myself, to my body. I felt my hands and the weight of my body. I saw the soft glow from the lamp from behind my closed eyelids.When I opened my eyes, I felt lighter. Like I had released a pressure nozzle from somewhere inside. It was relieving. My stress has been sitting on my shoulders like an iron noose. The burden of carrying it has literally made my head and neck ache. Once I had crawled into bed, I slept all night. It felt good to not toss and turn. When I woke up this morning, I felt as if I had slept well. Thank goodness. I was needing a good night's sleep.
Well, time to get back to reality. I need to go wake up a certain little helper. He needs to get dressed and maybe get some breakfast in his tummy before we hit the road. The sitter will be here soon and I need to get moving before I start to run behind. Happy Saturday to you all! Here's to a successful fundraiser! Know what? It's gonna be a good fundraiser even if we don't make a lot of money. The fact that we're there--honestly--that's all that matters.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Unnecessary Roughness
Okay, it's getting rough. Here we are in the second month of the new year and I have to blow the whistle. It's time to throw in a flag. Personal foul. Unnecessary roughness.
Everything is piling up on top of it's self. The teachers are reporting more problems with my kids in school. Their medications aren't doing their job. I know there is no quick and easy fix for their conditions but when my 7 year old's Tourret's is rearing it's ugly head and my 8 year old's ODD is getting out of control, and the teachers are complaining, it's becoming serious.Our van situation is on hold due to finances. My search for an attorney is on hold due to finances. My body aches are back and I can't figure out why, and neither can the doctors. So what the hell am I supposed to do?
I had a meeting with my 7 year old's teacher yesterday. She told me that my 7 year old boy who is usually so sweet natured and calm--distracted but calm--has been yelling at his classmates. He has been rolling on the floor and not paying attention during circle time. He has been unwilling or unable to make the transitions from one subject to the other. So when it comes time to complete the worksheets they are working on and move on to the next subject, he has a fit. He hasn't been completing his work in class and so his teacher has been sending him home all the incomplete worksheets as homework. On Tuesday she sent him home with seven incomplete worksheets. SEVEN!!!! Hello? At what point did she plan to tell me there are problems with his performance at school?? I had to contact her about all the work she was sending home. He can't concentrate on seven worksheets in one night. I have two other boys to look after. I have to make dinner in there somewhere. Apparently this has been going on since we returned from Christmas vacation. Great. Terrific. I love how I am just now being notified.
My 8 year old has been a disruption in class as well. Okay this is nothing new. He's always a disruption in class but it's usually in different degrees. Bearable/ unbearable/ criminal.
Right now he is working on a level between unbearable and criminal. Same thing here at home. He is working on my last nerve. He is lingering somewhere between intolerable evil and whiny spoiled brat. I am usually on the verge of throwing him out. I have been trying to kill the anger in him with rewards for his good behavior and hugs and love even when I am forced to discipline. But he always seems to remain bouncing around on that one last nerve. Almost like he has is tied it around his waist and bungy-jumping off the Empire State building with it, just to see how far he can make it stretch before it snaps.
((Sigh))
To top it all off, because too much crap is never enough in my world, the body aches have returned. Hello body aches! There you are. I was wondering when you were going to make a reappearance. Not that I was missing the body aches, really. Actually I was hoping that the body aches would have seen me getting blood tests and trying to stay hydrated and trying to figure out what is causing them and it would take note of all my efforts and they would've been scared away, but alas they are as stubborn as I am. So here I am stuck on the couch....again. I've taken my Advil for the body aches but it isn't working....again. I have too busy a life to be stuck on the couch with these dumb body aches...again. And so again I am forced to question my anxiety and stress levels. Am I getting enough sleep at night? Do I need to even bother going back to the doctor's office for even more tests? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME???
For the rest of the time I am here at home on this couch, I plan to rest and possibly nap. I went to bed early last night because I didn't feel good. I didn't even meditate. I didn't read my book either. I just layed down on my bed and crashed into my pillow and slept for hours and hours. I slept for a total of 9 hours. I can hardly believe it! It may have something to do with the fact that I took one extra dose of my Ambien just to be sure I slept, but no matter. It worked and I slept. No matter how much sleep I got last night though, I still woke up this morning feeling like a thousand pound boulder.
I need to rest. My body hurts. I need to get back to feeling better. After-school and homework time will be here before I know it. The boys and their boundless energy and their need to fight and argue with me and each other will be in full blossom. My eight year old will be defiant as ever and I need to be more on my game, because Moms are never allowed to be sick or tired....or human.
Right now I can definitely say that I am GREATFUL for one normal and well behaved four year old. He is seeming to be alright with the fact that I want to sit on the couch and be lazy. Thank you God for at least one forgiving child. Thank you so much!!!!
Everything is piling up on top of it's self. The teachers are reporting more problems with my kids in school. Their medications aren't doing their job. I know there is no quick and easy fix for their conditions but when my 7 year old's Tourret's is rearing it's ugly head and my 8 year old's ODD is getting out of control, and the teachers are complaining, it's becoming serious.Our van situation is on hold due to finances. My search for an attorney is on hold due to finances. My body aches are back and I can't figure out why, and neither can the doctors. So what the hell am I supposed to do?
I had a meeting with my 7 year old's teacher yesterday. She told me that my 7 year old boy who is usually so sweet natured and calm--distracted but calm--has been yelling at his classmates. He has been rolling on the floor and not paying attention during circle time. He has been unwilling or unable to make the transitions from one subject to the other. So when it comes time to complete the worksheets they are working on and move on to the next subject, he has a fit. He hasn't been completing his work in class and so his teacher has been sending him home all the incomplete worksheets as homework. On Tuesday she sent him home with seven incomplete worksheets. SEVEN!!!! Hello? At what point did she plan to tell me there are problems with his performance at school?? I had to contact her about all the work she was sending home. He can't concentrate on seven worksheets in one night. I have two other boys to look after. I have to make dinner in there somewhere. Apparently this has been going on since we returned from Christmas vacation. Great. Terrific. I love how I am just now being notified.
My 8 year old has been a disruption in class as well. Okay this is nothing new. He's always a disruption in class but it's usually in different degrees. Bearable/ unbearable/ criminal.
Right now he is working on a level between unbearable and criminal. Same thing here at home. He is working on my last nerve. He is lingering somewhere between intolerable evil and whiny spoiled brat. I am usually on the verge of throwing him out. I have been trying to kill the anger in him with rewards for his good behavior and hugs and love even when I am forced to discipline. But he always seems to remain bouncing around on that one last nerve. Almost like he has is tied it around his waist and bungy-jumping off the Empire State building with it, just to see how far he can make it stretch before it snaps.
((Sigh))
To top it all off, because too much crap is never enough in my world, the body aches have returned. Hello body aches! There you are. I was wondering when you were going to make a reappearance. Not that I was missing the body aches, really. Actually I was hoping that the body aches would have seen me getting blood tests and trying to stay hydrated and trying to figure out what is causing them and it would take note of all my efforts and they would've been scared away, but alas they are as stubborn as I am. So here I am stuck on the couch....again. I've taken my Advil for the body aches but it isn't working....again. I have too busy a life to be stuck on the couch with these dumb body aches...again. And so again I am forced to question my anxiety and stress levels. Am I getting enough sleep at night? Do I need to even bother going back to the doctor's office for even more tests? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME???
For the rest of the time I am here at home on this couch, I plan to rest and possibly nap. I went to bed early last night because I didn't feel good. I didn't even meditate. I didn't read my book either. I just layed down on my bed and crashed into my pillow and slept for hours and hours. I slept for a total of 9 hours. I can hardly believe it! It may have something to do with the fact that I took one extra dose of my Ambien just to be sure I slept, but no matter. It worked and I slept. No matter how much sleep I got last night though, I still woke up this morning feeling like a thousand pound boulder.
I need to rest. My body hurts. I need to get back to feeling better. After-school and homework time will be here before I know it. The boys and their boundless energy and their need to fight and argue with me and each other will be in full blossom. My eight year old will be defiant as ever and I need to be more on my game, because Moms are never allowed to be sick or tired....or human.
Right now I can definitely say that I am GREATFUL for one normal and well behaved four year old. He is seeming to be alright with the fact that I want to sit on the couch and be lazy. Thank you God for at least one forgiving child. Thank you so much!!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)