A Spot Of Bother

So what the devil has Jayme been up to?
 I have been busy. Or sad. Or both. And I haven’t blogged days. I just haven’t had much to say. Or I haven’t wanted to say anything because when I do it’s not happy. Or positive. It’s pretty down right negative, actually. My life has just hit a super hard spot, that’s all. It’s just a spot of trouble. That sounds okay when I put it like that actually.
The kids are making life difficult at the moment. Darn them! I only have three kids but they seem like more sometimes. Especially my oldest. He is like three kids in one all by himself. My mom once said, “When (my oldest) is in the room, there isn’t much room for anybody else.” and honestly that’s the best way to put it. He is like SO MUCH. It’s not that he’s fat or even slightly large. It’s just that he has this personality that makes him large. He is loud and bossy and dominating and whiny and angry and volatile, and that’s just on a regular day-to-day basis. I mean, yeah sure, some days he can be kind and loving--but never quiet and never meek. There isn’t a meek bone in this kid’s entire body.
As of late, the kids are back to their old tricks. They argue about everything. They hit each other. Somebody is always in tears at some point. Including me, and I am going crazy. My oldest boy has been up to HIS old tricks with a new gusto. He lies to me about everything. He takes things that don’t belong to him. He hides EVERYTHING from me. Did I mention he hides things? I mean anything. Homework, candy, stolen toys, broken toys and if you can believe this, he hides empty candy wrappers because, “they smell like candy”. I found an empty gum package under his mattress today. When I asked him why it was hidden away he told me that he just liked the smell of it.
*sigh*
I’m not sure if I can burden anymore crap. It’s getting crazy. I’m going crazy. All kidding aside, I was ready to drive myself to a hospital last Sunday and turn myself in as a mental patient. The one thing that was stopping me was, “who will watch after my kids? Would my husband have to come home“? The answer to that question would certainly be yes. How pathetic is that? My husband would have to come home to take care of his insane wife and crazy kids. So I knew I was going to have to shoulder the weight and keep going, but how? I was--as my friend Laurie put it--sucking my thumb and rocking back and forth. Not literally, but I was definitely at the crazy, blubbering stage. I was furious with my oldest for being like the meanest kid ever. I’de had enough of his talking back and his argumentative, disrespectful behavior. I was so mad at that kid I was ready to box his crap up in a suitcase and ship him to Chicago to live with his grandmother. I was ready to ship him ANYWHERE for that matter. He had me so angry that I was crying. He was so angry that HE was crying. This was on Sunday morning remember, and all this arguing took place before church had even started that morning. So much anger and it wasn’t even 10 am yet. I had to sit in the car in the church parking lot for a while after we had arrived at the church just so I could get it together and walk inside.
Thankfully yesterday we had a visit from out family counselor, Mr. Craig. I explained to him that things here have been a bit rough. I talked him through the events that have been taking place here in my personal little mad-house here, and he listened patiently. Once I had gone through each sucky little thing , recalled with complete and lengthy clarity, he asked me a few questions. Like have I been using the reward/discipline system he and I had devised a few months ago? Well, yes and no. I have been using it to a point but after a while I’ve kind of slacked. Without Mr. Craig visiting three times a week like he used to, I haven’t had to answer to anybody to confirm that I have been following it religiously. But yes I have still been using it……pretty much.
It worked better when Mr. Craig was holding me accountable, and that’s true. Sad but true. I should hold myself accountable, right? It’s not always easy though. Sometimes it easier to just let it slide then address the kids arguing about who’s turn it is to ride in the front seat on the way to school….for the hundredth time. It’s easier to just yell at the kid who refuses to come to the table for dinner than remind him….again…. that he is supposed to be working on following instructions and then remind him……again….what his reward will be IF he can follow instructions like a good boy and earn 15 “good boy” stickers for the day.
Why does everything always have to be so hard when it comes to raising these kids? That’s something I would honestly like to know. Why do my boys always have to learn everything the hard way? And why can’t they learn their lessons the first time? Why, oh why, does it take my kids multiple lessons to “get it”? I’m not talking like a couple of times here, folks! I’m talking about time and time again. I swear, they still seem completely surprised that every morning they are expected to get dressed before school. Or eat their food at dinner time. Or stay in their chairs for meals! Or that rolling around on the floor of the grocery store is unacceptable behavior in public. Or that they are supposed to get inside the car and sit down NOT take off down the sidewalk and run as fast as they can and completely ignore the mother yelling after them. Or that the mother who was yelling after them to come back is now the fuming, angry lady beside them and she has the power to ground them for the rest of the day whether they thinks it‘s fair or not. They still forget that it’s the mom who’s in charge and it’s the mom who has the authority.
It’s also the mom who has to make some serious changes….again…to get this family back to some sort of functioning state. I have decided, after some huge soul searching, that I still need to simplify my life. You know how when a kid’s grades start to fail, sometimes it’s good to cut out extra curricular activities? Well after some very serious soul searching and back and forth decision making, I have decided to step down from my FRG activities coordinator position. I had an FRG meeting this afternoon so I decided this would be a good time and place to officially announce my decision. I need to apply all my focus toward these kids and this family. This was not an easy choice for me because I have loved being the FRG activities coordinator. It truly has been my joy, my honor, to be apart of the Family Readiness Group. I have loved gathering supplies, finding donations, and yes, even fund raising, and feeling the importance of being apart of the team. And not just ANY team!! The Family Readiness Group! We are a coordinated bunch of Army wives. I have always felt pride that I can be a mom, a wife--an Army wife--and be the FRG activities coordinator at the same time. But I just can’t kid myself anymore. I can’t do everything I want to do AND be the best mom I can be. And priorities being what they are, I chose to step down.
Am I sad? Yes.
Am I really, really sad? You'd better believe it.
Am I going to change my mind and try to keep juggling it all? No. I can’t.
I have to put my family on the front burner and keep it there so I can continuously stir the pot. This family just won’t survive if I don’t. I don’t want to be that horrible lady who landed herself on the evening news who has been arrested for actually leaving her kids in the mountains, hoping they didn’t find their way back home.
I don’t want to be a bad mother. I don’t want to be the mother who keeps resorting to yelling at the kids. I don’t want to just survive this deployment. I want to live!
Heck, I don’t want to just survive my kids’ childhood. I want to enjoy it! I want to actually enjoy being the mother of these boys.
I know that this is all apart of the whole “recreating Jayme” thing and that I’m doing the right thing to improve my life. I know, I know, I know! I get it, okay? So why does this part of re-creating me suck a 10 on the suck-o-meter?
Don’t answer that, okay?
I know the answer.