Just another manic Monday

Today was Monday, and I am like Garfield the Cat when it comes to Mondays. I hate Mondays. Everybody has to get back to work; kids have to get up for school. Everybody has to wake up early and shake off the laziness of the weekend and put back on their serious faces and get back to the grind.
Yuck.
I hate Mondays.
This Monday was especially brutal. It didn’t hold back. My day started off well enough but the “bad” creeped in--slowly. I was supposed to go take a prospective van into the mechanic’s shop today to get my thumbs up/ thumbs down, but when it came right down to it, I didn’t see the need to. Not just yet anyway. You see, I checked the bank account today and realized that the funds to afford the van just simply aren’t there. Not enough. Not yet anyway.
I realized today that we are going to need to start saving way more money if we are going to buy this van. THIS particular van is for sale by a person. Not a used car lot that will finance. Maybe this guy will hold on to the van for us until we have all the money? Maybe.
However, this raises all kinds of questions for me. Do I need to just tell the guy never mind? Should I sell MY van to raise the money faster? Should I just hang on to my van till the husband comes home and then we can take care of all this van business then? Should I just keep looking at different used car lots and potentially get jacked around in order to be able to finance? Do I really want to make more vehicle payments a month? I don’t think I will find a better van at a better price, but should I just get my van fixed and forget all this nonsense?
So I called the guy and told him I wouldn’t be able to make it today to get the van checked out. I need to speak with my husband first about our finances . He said okay. He seemed nice about it. Thank goodness for a nice person. But oh man I’m bummed out. I need this van business to be over and done with.
The next portion of my day really socked it to me. As if finances weren’t enough of a problem, I still have my house in Kansas City that’s a nagging issue. I kid you not, the problem with this house invades my dreams. I get nightmares about this house. I dream that I return to the house to just visit--I don’t know why I’m visiting but I just am--and to my shock and horror the house is still FULL of all my stuff. I look in the cabinets and there are the dishes! Didn’t I pack those? Surely I did! I look in the closets and there’s all our clothes. Didn’t I pack all our clothes??? So I have to find boxes for all this STUFF. I don’t have enough boxes. I can’t fit all the stuff into the boxes. The stuff is accumulating. I’m in full panic mode and I feel helpless. That’s about the time I wake up, breathless and overwhelmed with the feeling of despair.
So this is just one of the reasons why this house needs to be sold--and soon. I got the idea to call an attorney from my sister. Then I got the idea to call my attorney friend, Paula, in Kansas City from my mother. So today I gave Paula a call and left her a message that I was needing her to call me back. I wanted Paula to just maybe, possibly direct me to a fellow attorney friend that she might have that just maybe, possibly knows the house-selling business like it was all they know how to do. So I made my call, left her a message and then took some Advil for my little headache and planned to take a rest on the couch. However no sooner had I flopped on the couch then my phone rang. It was Paula. She wanted to let me know that no, she didn’t have any fellow attorney friends that are good at the house-selling business, but she did however have a friend who is realtor. Maybe the realtor friend can give me a call if I don’t mind?
Okay sure, why not. It’s not like I haven’t gone through about three other realtors so far in a space of seven months, and they have all let me down abysmally. Sure. Why not try out yet another realtor? So I reluctantly gave the realtor a call. I told her of my position. I am not in KC anymore but I need to sell this run down, old house. My husband has deployed. Yes, I have special power of attorney because no I‘m not on the deed or mortgage….blah, blah, blah.
She says, “Oh I can help you! This is my field of specialty. I specialize in short sales and blah, blah, blah“…
“Okay“, I tell her, “ Listen. Please don’t tell me you can handle this yet. Not until you have seen the house first. Really. It’s doozie. It’s falling down and needs more repairs than it’s worth. The mortgage company refused to make a deal with me back when I had a buyer. It’s all kinds of mess. This is why I was looking for an attorney.”
She insisted that she would go take a look at the house first, then get back with me later this week. Great.
If she thinks she can help me after looking at the house, do I even still want to bother? Why bother even going down this road…again? I should just tell the lady no thank you and go look for an attorney like I had originally intended.
Then my brain goes into overdrive thinking again of the van and the house and the bills coming up and the bills that have been paid and how much can I save at this rate and blah, blah, blah!!!!!
My brain was screaming by the time I got off the phone with the realtor. My thoughts were flipping through my head so fast I was dizzy. The little hamster in his wheel was going at an insane and unnatural speed. I looked at the time. Oh jeeze! It was time to go get the kids from school. I grabbed my coat and keys and ran out the door. No time to stop by the library to get the book that is waiting for me, I was running too late for that.
As I was driving down the road, a thought struck me. Duh, Jayme! Practice your deep yogic breathing. That should help your brain to calm down and relieve your anxiety. So I took a breath, but soon discovered I had none. It was like the breath had been knocked out of me. I gave a pathetic little exhale. Plaaahhh….

I didn’t bother trying my yogic breathing after that. I was too overwhelmed. Too dizzy. Too breath-LESS.
I realize that this too shall pass. This was just a bad day, just a manic Monday. Tomorrow will come. Tomorrow will be a better day and all that jazz. I should be thankful for the little things. Thankful for my attorney friend; thankful that I at least have another vehicle to get me by, and the van isn’t my only mode of transportation. I should be thankful that my husband has a job, that we don’t live on the streets. That I’m not paralized. That my kids aren‘t short-bus special. That we have food. That the cat has food. I should be thankful, and I am. But right at the moment my headache is pounding and this day sucked eggs. I just want to turn off the lights and hope that when Tuesday gets here tomorrow, it will feel pity on me and treat me with some kindness. And that this pounding headache and neck-ache have hit the road.

We ain't having any fun here.

The most fun in the world is something that is whatever is special to each of us. The most fun thing in the world for me would be something like a beautiful day at the beach with a really good book and wonderfully behaved children playing with their beloved nanny so my husband and I can have an amazingly scrumptious dinner at a candle lit outdoor restaraunt on a tropical island. ((SIGH))
 Doesn't that sound just wonderful?
Mmmm....wonderful.
BUT, that's not what's been going on here. I have been mini van shopping at used car lots because my family van is on it's last leg. Just recently I had to take my sweet, old reliable, and beloved mini van into the shop for some repairs and to renew her tags. I knew when I took her into the shop it was probably going to be kind of expensive, but I wasn't prepared for the news I got. She has some seriously expensive problems that ring up to a grand total of $1,500.00.

I was pretty bummed out. I mean who has that kind of money just sitting around ready to be put into van repairs? I know my family sure doesn't. So I sent an e-mail to the hubby about all the problems, expensive problems, with our good old reliable van. He suggested that I go....ugh....van shopping.

Now let's think about this seriously. I have three boys that each have different school schedules, and at any given point I have at least one child with me for most of the day. There are a few windows of time that I am free but they usually last no more than two hours at a time. On the weekends I have all kinds of time because nobody has to be picked up and dropped off anywhere, but I have all three boys with me the WHOLE time.  I'm not sure of those other parents out there that have well bahaved children, but MY kids aren't like that. Just running into the store to get a gallon of milk can take forever and even more humiliating because how loud and rowdy my kids can be.

Well, I did what my poor husband asked me to do. I did as much of the online research as I could. Made a few phone calls. You know, everything I possibly could from home? I waited till I absolutley had to go to a car lot. So finaly, after much delay, I loaded up the four year old and drove to a used car lot.

A little something you should know about me. I had an amazing grandfather. He believed in showing me the small things about car repair. You know? How to change a tire, change the oil and all the simple things that I can do from home--if I wanted or needed to. So I KNOW what an oil leak looks like. I know what some of the cords and wires are for under the hood. I know a good battery just by turning on the engine, and I know what most of the noises mean when I put on the brakes. I'm not completely car illiterate. I'm NO mechanic by any stretch of the imagination, but I know a piece of junk when I look under the hood. Fortunatly I also know that before I purchase a good used vehicle, I know to take it to a good and trusted mechanic to get a thumbs up or a thumbs down for all the "invisible" stuff. The stuff I know nothing about.

And like any good used car salesman worth his salt, the guy I spoke with tried to show me used vans waaaay out of my price range in hopes that I was stupid enough to fall for it. Then he tried to show me vans that were fresh to the lot and haven't even been detailed yet, and they don't even know what the van is worth yet. Then of course, this guy simply had to stick to routine and show me vans within my price range but with all the "invisible" problems. I looked under the hood. I looked under the van's body. I got inside and checked all the lights and blinkers. I started it up slowly, letting the key sit in each spot for a second as I turned it on. It sounded good. It drove good. No squeaks with the brakes. There was a small spot under the van where it looked like oil, but if it's just a small oil leak, that's repairable. That's managable. So here is when I needed to take it to my trusted mechanic to get the official thumbs up/thumbs down.

 It was also time to go get the other boys from school too. I let Mr. Car Salesman know that it's time for me to go get the other kids and if I come back here with all three boys, it better be worth my time because they won't make car shopping easy. He promised it would be. He promised.

Uh-huh, riiiiiiight.....I was sceptical. Sceptical but I did it anyway.

I need to make this long story short, because this story can become long if I let it. Trust me. I got the other boys from school; drove all the way back to the lot, drove the prospective van and all the boys with me to the mechanic's shop on the other side of town, got a HUGE thumbs down, and drove back to Mr. Car Salesman's lot to let him know I am greatly dissapointed with his honesty skills and left there with three hungry, grumpy, tired boys. I was frustrated. I was angry! But most of all I was exhausted. I had NO dinner made, nobody had done their homework and it was waaaay past time for getting ready for bed. I had wasted more than five hours dealing with this trust worthy-challenged car salesman and his van with invisible problems. $957.00 worth of problems to be exact.

So here is my issue. Here is what I am dealing with so far this week. This may be "fun" for some folks out there. And I'm sure that this would be considered fun to Mr. Car Salesman, but for me and my family, this is NOT fun. This isn't even slightly bearable. I woke up the next morning from this experience with a giant headache. The moment I woke up I felt like I had just woken up from surviving a battle. All I could think to myself was, "I think I'm allergic to bull-shit". My body can not physically handle used car salesmen and all their bull shit.

I don't understand why this has to be some stupid game? I am bringing everything to table and laying it out. I explain what I have, what my budget is and what I want. All I ask is that I find something within those terms or as close to it as humanly possible. I didn't ask for somebody to pee on me and tell me it's raining. Why is dealing with used car salesmen so hard? I think I have, over the years, grown to find used car salesmen about as bad dealing with something gross and slimy that requires a full shower when your done. It must take a special kind of extra gene. The scum-bag gene, to be a good used car salesman. I almost feel sorry them.

I'm unfortunatly not finished here. I still have to keep looking and I HATE it. I HATE IT!!!!!
I HATE this big dumb game they all play and I HATE having to take all my kids with me to these car lots and I HATE that I am considering getting rid of my PAID for van to find something else that will require payments.

UUUUUGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!! I HATE IT!

It's Murphy and his stupid laws.

So yesterday I had the chance to do my part and donate blood to the American Red Cross. It's always for a good cause, but this time it was especially fotrtuitous because it was being held by my apartment complex. Those who were able to donate would be able to enter their name in drawing for one month of paid rent. What's that? One month paid rent? Sign me up!
Also, I'm a loyal blood donor. I actually enjoy donating my blood. I even have my little red card that has my name on it and blood type and all the other bits of information on it that is required when you go to donate for the American Red Cross. It's something I am quite proud of actualy. I am able to donate and so therefore I do so with honor. And by golly they like me at the donation sites. They take one look at my arm with the tourniquet wrapped tightly around it and they all say the same thing.
"WOW!"
Yep, I have GIANT veins. Giant! With the tourniquet on my arm, I've heard you can see my veins from space! Okay, maybe that's a bit of a stretch, but seriously they are huge. I'm a phlebotomist, and when in class for phlebotomy, I was everybody's favorite pin cushion. You simply can't miss hitting my great big, ol' blue veins.

Not to mention that I have never been turned away. Ever. I am a good donor. I meet all the requirments and pass all the tests. I've never lived in a foreign country for more than four months, I've never lived with anybody from a third world country and I've never had malaria, I've never had a tattoo...blah, blah, blah...

So when I found out we could earn the chance to win a month of free rent, I jumped at the chance. I was as sure of my donating as I am sure the day is long. So when I was turned away yesterday for low iron, I was more than a little surprised. How can that be? My iron can't be low! I just had it checked at the doctor's office! Didn't they just test my blood for iron, Vitamin D, and thyroid problems?

Oh I forgot to mention that all those tests came back completely normal. Even my vitamin D came back normal and that's not typical. 9 times out of 10, vitamin D tests come back low. Most people walk around everyday with defficiant vitamin D levels. I'm not saying I'm special or anything! It's just unusual.

Anyway back to the story, So my iron was low and they turned me away for the first time ever. They checked it twice, and yep! It's too low. So the lady who was checking my blood asked me if I was getting enough sleep at night? Has there been any changes in my diet? I'm thinking, "wait a minuet. All these questions are the same questions my doctor just asked me last week. I said no then and I still say no. No changes. I sleep fine, my stress levels have actually gotten better and I eat well everyday. I even take a Flintstone vitamin everyday. Okay, they belong to the kids but hey, they taste good and why not? I know, I know. I need to get my own.

Well when I left there all bummed out, I was wondering. What WAS my blood test results? What were the actual numbers on those blood tests? So I flipped open the phone and called the doctor's office right then. I asked the medical assistant what were the actual numbers of each blood test that was taken just last week?
She gave me the numbers, and she was right. I registered normal for each blood test that was run but wait...what's this? They didn't run Iron?
"No iron test?" I asked.
"No, iron wasn't tested." she replied
Okay, I went in to see the doctor for body aches and chills and fatigue, and of all the tests that were ran, my  iron level wasn't one of them? How can that be? Could I be anemic and not know it? Could I have been fighting off some random cold when I went to the doctor, and I was dehydrated, and maybe even anemic? Do I need to go back to the doctor's office yet again for more blood tests? Should I even bother? I asked the medical assistant what would happen if a person is reported to have low iron results and she replied that the patient just needs to take an over the counter iron suppliment.
Super. That's easy. That's not too hard. Maybe I shouldn't bother wasting hours from my day and open another big ol giant blue vein just to have my iron tested. Adding an iron suppliment to my daily pill planner is as easy as farting in the wind. No big deal.
I just wish I had known this about my iron a few days ago. Maybe then I wouldn't have lost out on free rent for a month. That money, right now, would seriously have come in handy! I have a lot of stuff going on right now that is about to cost me big bucks. The van broke down and I need to either get it fixed or get a new one. I'm probably going to spend a giant chunck of money because I need to find an attorney in Kansas City  that specialises in real estate. Sheesh!

When it rains, it pours, don't you know? This was Murphy's Law in play, that's what this was. This was the God's of Fate smirking, rolling their eyes and shaking their heads at me. They must have seen that it was going too smoothly over here for me and decided to send in good old Murphy and his big bunch of stupid laws because now everything is messed up.
Next time I'm gonna.....oh who am I kidding? You never know when Murphy is coming over. He just pops in UNinvited. Nobody can ever plan ahead when it comes to that dick head.

Stupid iron.

This ain't no frigging walk through the garden here!

Here I am just sitting on the couch and watching the kitty cats playing and running all over the house. The occasional hissing sound or playful growl is the only thing I can hear at the moment, and this is a good thing. WHAT a crappy day it has been. Honestly. It sucked eggs.

I have been going back and forth with my oldest boy today. We never seem to see eye to eye on anything. If God gives challenges, then this child is my challenge. It's not my middle son with ADHD and Tourrette's, oh no! It's my oldest son with ADHD and ODD. That's short for Oppositional Defiant Disorder. It's like raising a two year old ALL THE TIME. You know, like he hit the terrible twos and just never grew out of it. Seriously though, ODD is a mental condition. It usually comes hand in hand with ADHD. According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry:

The following are behaviors are associated with ODD:

• Negativity
• Defiance
• Disobedience
• Hostility directed toward authority figures

These behaviors might cause your child to regularly and consistently show these signs and symptoms:

• Temper tantrums (yes)
• Argumentativeness with adults (yep)
• Refusal to comply with adult requests or rules (yeppers)
• Deliberate annoyance of other people (check mark)
• Blaming others for mistakes or misbehavior (double check mark)
• Acting touchy and easily annoyed (oh my gosh, like all the time)
• Anger and resentment (so bad I walk on egg shells)
• Spiteful or vindictive behavior (oh yeah, that's for sure)
• Aggressiveness toward peers (and towards brothers)
• Difficulty maintaining friendships (unfortunately)
• Academic problems (if this includes fighting with his teacher than yes.)

Related mental health issuesOppositional defiant disorder often occurs along with other behavioral or mental health problems such as:

• Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)
• Anxiety
• Depression

Treatment of ODD involves therapy, special types of training to help build positive family interactions, and possibly medications to treat related mental health conditions.
We are doing all of it.

Well, let me tell you! It's been no walk through the frigging park raising this child! Just taking care of my son during one of his fits can seriously take hoooouuuurrrsss. It's like I can't pay attention to anything else because it takes all the strength I can muster just to control my own temper. I have to try to remember all my training that I have been getting from our family counselor because I MUST be a good example of how to maintain self-control when all I really want to do is fling the front door open and kick his grumpy little hiny out!

Here lately he has been stealing /hiding /eating candy and lying about it. It's like he is OBSESSED with candy! I give candy to the boys as a reward for earning so many "good-behaviour" stickers on our little sticker chart thingy. We follow this sticker chart ever faithfully, and I like how the boys are able to see how many stickers they earn in a day. We have followed this sticker chart thing for months now. Well my oldest found the candy stash one night and just let all sense and self control go right out the door. He ate almost the entire bag of candy treats! All but three pieces. I discovered the wrappers all over his room this morning and I was furious. What made me even more angry was when I confronted him about his little midnight raid, he tried to deny it.

Riiiiight.

Like 10+ pieces of candy decided to shed their wrappers and hit the road, but before they left they hid their wrapper mess UNDER my son's pillow and bed. Ya, that could happen?

This isn't the first time this has happened. Nope, huh-uh. Not even the second time. Or even the third time for that matter. This kid has absolutely no controll. He is completely impulsive. I have tried and tried and tried to get this boy to take some responsibility over his actions. I've tried to get him to understand why high levels of sugar and food coloring are bad for a kid with his condition. He just doesn't get it. I've even tried to help him practice self control and impulsive behaviours and reward his success, but nothing seems to work on this kid. If he finds candy, he will eat it.

Maybe you're not understanding what a big deal this is. You're probably thinking, "Dang! Just give the kid a piece of candy or something. No big deal." Well let me give you an example of what I am dealing with:
 My son will eat any kind of candy off the ground, trash can, or even moldy, slimy, moss covered nastiness. Even if it was half eaten by somebody else. He will chew gum that he finds from under restaurant tables and from off the sidewalks. He will try and swindle anybody he can into giving him another piece if they offer him one, then he will steal another piece when they aren't looking. What has bothered me the most of all is when he will steal money from my wallet to purchase it. 

What am I supposed to do with this kid? The lies are stacking up. He has ruined my trust for him completely. I don't just think he's lying to me anymore, I KNOW he is. I can tell because his lips are moving. He lies to me for just about anything, really. Not just candy. It kills me because in the past I have discovered something bad that one of my kids has done and NOBODY will confess to it. Typical stuff. That's the way kids are, right? I usually already know who did it, but I tell the boys, "Okay since nobody will confess to the crime then you all will be punished until somebody tells me the truth."
Get this, my youngest, my four year old, in the past, has confessed to the crimes but he wasn't the culprit. Turns out, the kid "whodunnit" was my oldest but he was allowing my four year old to fall on the bomb. To take one for the team! I was so shocked one day when my oldest finally came clean about what had been going on. I was glad that he told me, but so ashamed at him. I told him too. "Thank you for FINALLY telling the truth but shame on you." I wonder how many times I've disciplined my four year when he was really innocent? Then again, what is that kid thinking taking the blame? Yes, I've talked to him about it, but how much of what I said does he understand? I mean, he's four.

So today has been one of those days from hell. All day long it has been a struggle with my oldest son's temper because he is being disciplined for his dishonesty and he doesn't like it! He hates being grounded because now he's BORED! Now he doesn't have anything to do and he's ill-tempered. It's so completely inconceivable to him that the sun doesn't rise and set in his honour. He doesn't get that the sun and moon and stars don't actually orbit around his royal little ass. He doesn't understand that I, his mother, don't have to entertain him while he is being grounded from the other things that were created for his entertainment. To be perfectly honest, I don't understand why he thinks he is so entitled. My other two boys don't behave this way at all.

The quiet here in the house has been something that I have looked forward to all day. Finally some peace and quiet for mommy. Finally my oldest is asleep. I bet he's up there right now dreaming up new ways to get around his grounding. Little brat.

I dislike having a mystery illness

I want to make this a quick blog post because I'm not feeling too good. I have been sick on and off since last October. I been having body aches as if I have the flu or a nasty cold on and off, but I never seem to have a fever or any other flu-ish or cold-ish symptoms. You know? The fever, the coughing, the stuffy nose and all the other yucky crap that usually goes along with those diseases? I don't have that stuff.

I have just boiled it down to stress. I mean think about it? I am constantly stressed out with kids, meds, doctor appointments, kids fighting, therapist appointments, kid's school, the laundry....no husband. Life is just a wee bit stressful these days. This is why I decided to make meditation apart of my life. I meditated just today after I woke up from a nap. Smart girl, huh? A friend of mine instructed me to add echinacea to my diet as an immunity booster. Not even hesitating, I went and got the stuff the very next day. It's been a part of my daily medicinal regiment for about a month now.

Just a few days ago, my youngest came down with strep throat again this year. That's what you get when you're a thumb sucker or in his case a finger sucker. Those little wrinkled fingers just live in his  mouth. They set-up residence in there a long time ago. It's going to be nasty little habit to break him of, I can see this already.
So I took him to the doctor and he was prescribed his antibiotics and the doctor advised me to keep an eye out for the rest of us in the house because you know? Strep is very contagious!

Well guess what? Within days I fltl like poop. I had the body aches and chills. No pain when I swallowed but definititely the body aches. So this morning, being the smart and responsible mommy that I am, I went to the doctor. She looked in mouth. She looked at my tonsils. Nothing. She looked in my ears. Nothing. She looked at my eyes, my nose, and she felt on my neck for my glands. Nothing. She took a swab of my tonsils and up my nose. Those tests came back negative for strep or even for Influenza A. She then had me go pee in a cup. Those are fun times, especially when you're a girl. That particular urine test came back with high keytons and something else.I'm not sure, but all that test added up to was severe dehydration. She can't figure it out. What is wrong with me? She asked me about my sleep at night and of course, since I take my Ambien and Tomazipam, my sleep is good. I told her that I have been meditating once or twice a day, and I feel like my stress level has decreased significanly. The boys haven't been driving me insane too bad lately because we have had therapist appointments and psychiatrist appointments to help keep that portion of our lives under control.

I did admit to her that this body ache-y feeling has been coming and going since last October. I figured it had to be low immunity due to a stressed-out life, but that I THOUGHT this was under control now? She just looked at me for a long time with a very confused look on her face. She has no idea what's wrong with my body. This is a conumdrum to her and I could tell she was going over all her medical training in her head. Did she ask all the right questions about my diet and sleep habits? Did she miss something?

Finaly she announced that she is going to have to take some of my blood. She decided that she is going to have to run my blood for low iron, Thyroid problems, and Vitamin D defficiency. I was thinking she should have added a CBC (or complete blood count) just for good measure, but she is the doctor!

So right at this moment I have no answers as to why I have low energy, chills, and body aches. At this very moment all I know is that I was dehydrated but I have been drinking my yucky water all day and resting my cold, weary bones. I should be able to get my test results back by Monday. Monday seems a long way away from this Thursday. Waiting sucks. I don't like waiting. I don't like that my doctor isn't going to be in her office tomorrow and so I'm going to have to wait all weekend long to figure out what's going on.
Have I ever mention that I'm not a very patient person either?

Getting schooled by the way of self help

Isn't that something? Yesterday was supposed to be the saddest day of the year. Isn't that sad? Know why? Because it's time for people that made New Year's resolutions to realise that they are not succeeding at keeping up with their resolutions and their hopes are crashing.That's a real bummer. It's a bummer  that there is a day that can be officially called the "saddest day of the year". It's more sad that that is the reason. So if you made a New Year's resolution , I sure hope you're keeping it. I hope you're not feeling sad because hey! This is still a new year! Get back on the horse and keep riding! I know I certainly am. Even as I write this I am trying to sit in a non-slouching position and willing my back to not hurt. I checked out a book from the library the other day called, 'The Complete Idiot's Guide To Meditation'. Fun title, huh?

Well that's me. The complete idiot when it comes to meditation. I am sucking at it. Or maybe I should say, the brain is sucking at it.  It's so loud in there! My brain is like a two year old in church. So this is how it's unfolding in my brain:

Shhh. It's time to use your inside voice now.

 Inside voice? What's an inside voice!

 Shhh!! Sit down!Settle down!

 What? What's that? Why? But I want to stand in the pews and talk to the lady behind me!

No. Now is not the time for that behaviour. Right now is the time to be nice and quiet and pay attention. So sit down and get quiet. Please!

But we all know that trying to reason with a 2 year old is impossible. So now is the time to bring out reinforcements. Now is the time to read a book for complete idiots and get my "self help" going.

According to this "guide" my body contains seven chakras or energy centers. The first one (Saturn) is located at the base of my spine and the other six are located up through out my body at different locations including the navel, stomach, heart, throat, eyes and head. What it's instructing me to do is to sit and concentrate on my Saturn chakra and "awaken" the energy that lies dormant in this area. My guide instructs me to pretend that this energy is rising up to the next chakra and then the next one, and the next one until my energy has reached the top. (At my brain) Then just as slowly, I need to let it fall back down just the same way it rose, meeting at each chakra. Then if I feel like I can handle it, try to do it all over again.

Last night though, my back was killing me. So I tried to sit and meditate using this new method, but honestly I was in so much pain and so wriggly, trying to get in a new comfortable position that I gave up. So I had to resort to my usual, and might I add satisfying method, of lying down and putting on my headphones and listening to my meditation for dummies "chill-drill".
The guide let me know that these chakras can get blocked. You know, troublesome?
Uh-huh. Okay.
 It also tells me that these blocked chakras can be opened up by a good dose of yoga poses that focus on these certain troublesome spots. Sigh.... I knew it was going to say that. I had a feeling that was going to be the solution.

But! Never fear! This is why I found a book at the library called 'The Complete Idiot's Guide To Yoga'. Hee-hee.
 Would you believe that this book is pretty popular? It wasn't at the library when I looked for it. I had to be put on a waiting list for this book, actually. So right now I don't exactly have the book. Yet. But I will soon! I am like third in que, or something like that. So hopefully soon I will be able to get my hands on this book. Until then I have the internet, right? I've said before that I've learned more from Google than I ever learned in school so I guess it couldn't hurt to use my good old fashioned search engine for research.

I refuse to give up. I refuse to become part of this large percent of sad Americans who gave up on their resolutions. I can't give up because that would mean I gave up on trying to make myself a happier person. You know what? It's a good thing I didn't resolve to lose weight this year. Since I'm all about rewarding myself and all that jazz, I have decided that eating another Oreo can't hurt. I mean I'm not going to go crazy and gorge on cookies and candy, but at the same time, I ain't turning down that second helping of that yummy chocolate cake, thank you very much. Why bother turning it down? Cake makes me smile on the inside, and I really like it when I can smile on the inside. I want to "smile in my liver." :o) So, don't be shocked if you see me eating more than two Oreos at the next social gathering that made the mistake of serving refreshments. I'm just making myself smile on the inside. Hee-hee!

My letter to my friend Heather

Dear Heather,
 One day at a time. That's what I'm taking it as. One little teeny, tiny day at a time. Do you rememeber when I lived there in Kansas City and David and Mark were just babies? It was SO HARD for me everyday that I remember telling you that I was taking it crisis by crisis. They were so difficult as babies and I was so all alone then too like I am still (like you are now) because Mark was with Ford (Paul works so much overtime). I was falling apart. Almost literaly. I was losing my hair from the stress. I was so depressed that I was ready to walk out the door and never turn around. I even thought about walking to the Paseo Bridge and jumping off. I was at my lowest for sure. It hurst to remeber those days. I can't ever, ever let it get that bad again. If I had the sense to ask for help back then I think so much would have been better. I should have learned to accept help when it was offered back then and maybe I wouldn't have gone through all that misery. I'm still surprised everyday that I survived my children's baby-hood. But well, better late than never, right? I didn't have answers then like I have answers now. I didn't understand why my kids were behaving so horribly. I didn't understand why I was having these thoughts of jumping off a bridge. Had I called out for help, then I would have been helped. I would have found out early that I was depressed and the kids have ADHD and ODD and so do I. Now things are like...I can't explain it.... better.  Things are just better. I actually received a compliment from my sister! The last time she saw me and the kids, it was over Christmas break. She noted that the boys are behaving better, and I seem to be controling my temper better. That's the first time I have ever recieved a compliment like that. Things ARE getting better. We have a family counselor coming three days a week. I have been following through with disipline, and I have been holding the boys' behaviour to a higher standard. I have everybody on their proper medications with regular visits to our psychiatrist. All this is working because I finaly got smart and cried Uncle. I realized that I just can't handle this circle of insanity anymore. I am sick and tired of watching other people's children behaving  and thinking, "why have I never, ever had that? What am I doing wrong?" Now I have answers. Now I have help. Now that I see how wonderful it can be to ask for help, I'm never turning back.  But honestly, I still have a long way to go. I asked for help with my children first because that was what was on fire first. My family was on fire. It had to be saved first. Now that I have my children protected and safe, it's time to turn my attention to the other aspects of my life. What else is on fire? Me? My friendships? My social life? The way I handle other people's obligations as if they were my own? Yep. That sounds like a good a place to start. Asking for help saved my life. It saved my family. It's still saving us. All I can say is, do the right thing. Asking is hard, I KNOW. But just do it. Even it starts off small. Like accepting rides in the morning for Nathan. I love you so much, Heather. You really are a great mother. It really does get better. I promise.
Jayme
P.S. I like your idea of burning letters and wishes in my sink. I like mom's idea too. Each idea seems to go by the same principal. Asking for help and sending it to God. That seems to be the main theme here, and it's something I am going to try....heck... today! I have a list as long as my arm. I hope I don't overwhem God with all my problems. As if overwhelming God were even a possibility. But seriously, it's a long list.

The Little Engine That Could

The picture of the little blue engine from the classic children's story.  I had it as my Facebook profile picture not too long ago,  I felt it really represented me. I still feel like it represents me, but I have since changed my profile picture.
 Being here with three young boys to raise for the past 6 months on my own has been challenging to say the least. It's been challenging for so many reasons. Challenging because I'm raising  children with ADHD, ODD, and Tourette's. It's been challenging because I  was so used to having a spouse to help me when the times got tough, and times can get pretty tough here. Also because I have never been able to escape this little, gray cloud of guilt. It follows me wherever I go, ready to rain it's miserable darkness all over me. I have never been the person to ask for help even when I CLEARLY needed it.I don't even like to accept help from others when they finaly offer help to me because I am ashamed of myself. It's as if accepting help meant that I can't handle my own crap. My lord, Accepting help?? What does that say about me? People must be offering to help because they see I can't take of myself. Accepting help must be a sign of weakness. Accepting help, even if I desperately need it, is just like saying, "I should'nt have got myself in this possition and now it needs to be my responsibility to get myself out of it." I have always let my kids, family, friends, and total strangers move me like a pawn with the help of my little black cloud.

At the same time I have been angry and resentful when others don't offer help when I CLEARLY need it. It's as if I just need to hear the words, "can I help you" because then I can feel the pride of saying, "no thank you. I got this." I long for people to offer their assistance to me because for heaven's sake! That's what I would have done for them! Honestly people have had to take serious steps to move me out of the way if they really want to help me.
Why have I always felt the need to be so brave? Or maybe I should say why have I always felt the need to be so stupid? I feel satisfied when I step up and take over a situation when clearly somebody else needed the help. I give and give and give but always feel shame and guilt when I take. It's a fear I have that I will let myself down if I take too much. Shame on me for ever taking because it's greed. It's sloth. It's selfishness. It's sinful. Yet at the same time it's okay for others to want this for themselves. I mean, if I have a friend who isn't taking care of themself and always putting others first, I have told them that they are being silly. "Why would you do that to yourself?" I would say. Take care of You. Take better care of You! Then when I hear that somebody out there really is indulging themselves in self-pleasures I think that person is so completely selfish, and I feel resentment and jealousy.
Once I heard about a woman, a mother, who took herself and her husband on a vacation when their baby was perhaps a month old. I could have died I was so shocked! How could she? I mean, what a selfish woman! What mother takes herself out of her child's life for a week while she and her husband go off enjoying themselves? Spending money on themselves? Leaving their baby--their responsibility--with a family member? Has this family member no self-worth at all; taking on such a job while these lazy good-for-nothing parents go off to enjoy themselves? Why, it was enough to make me scream! I was amazed at their audacity, but was jealous at the same time. Why haven't I ever gone on a vacation with just my husband, no kids allowed? That sounds like a dream come true. Do you know how many times my kids have spent nights away from me? I can count the days on 6 fingers, and that is the honest truth. My oldest is 8.
.
Re-creating Jayme is not going to be easy. I am going to have to allow myself some self-pleasing things to happen in my life. I am going to have to allow myself to be first on my list while everybody else is second. Even the kids. Even the cat...and believe me she is a bossy/needy kitty cat. (Good God, I even let the cat boss me around.) It's a slow step toward happiness, but allowing myself to enjoy the things every week--heck, everyday, is going to be a serious task to take on. I have to learn to let go of my fears. I have to learn that when I smile because of something I did for myself, it's not greed or selfishness. It's joyful. To see that I care about myself the way I ask my friends to care about themselves is love.

So with that being said, I decided to reward Jayme today. I haven't been able to meditate very well. I admit it. The old brain is just buzzing all the time like a dial going up and down on the radio, flipping through the channels and getting lots of static. My eyes hate closing and even my breathing is getting trickier to control. I know I have lots of worries right now and I cannot--I repeat--I cannot let those worries overwhelm me. There are things in this world I have no control over and I need to just let it go. So how did I reward myself, you may be wondering? I had a massage today! An hour long massage that felt incredible. I watched a movie with a friend this morning and then when it was over, I drove my 4 year old to another friend's home and I took myself to get a massage. Can you believe that? I can't hardly believe it myself! I can hardly believe I did something so relaxing and self-indulgent. It felt so nice that when it was over with, I signed up for the monthly massage special.It must have been the happy hormones pulsing through my rejuvinated muscles, but holy crap, do you know what that means? That means that every month I am going to allow myself one hour of total relaxation. It doesn't sound like much when I put it that way, but for me this is a very big deal. I plan to spend money on myself. I have purchased for myself something very indulgent indeed and it's more than just a new pair of underware!

Am I excited? Yes. Am I scared of what I just did? Totaly. Am I going to go back there tomorrow and cancel the monthly massage thing? Not on your life! I deserve it. If there were ever a time I deserved a break, it sure is now.  So here is a small step for meditating with a clear mind, and one giant leap for self-confidence.

Seriously, I am going to bed now!

This week has been crazy busy. I'm talking, 'no sitting down except when I'm driving' kind of busy. I have been playing catch up. Don't get me wrong, I have attended a few events that made me happy. I spent a morning at a friend's house for coffee. But I took a load of clean clothes with me so I could fold them while we had a chat, AND I took my lap-top too. You know, so when I was between sips of coffee and done folding clothes, I could pay bills on-line. This is sad. I realize this, okay? I'm not very good at relaxing. It's going to take a LOT longer for me to learn how to do something as complicated as relaxing. I believe there is a skill I have missed out on learning when it comes to the art of relaxing. That lesson on how to relax was taught on a day that I called in sick or something. I never learned the skill of relaxing.
Every morning, I can't even help it. As soon as I slip out of bed to do my Yoga stretches and meditate, my brain kicks it into first gear. Then second gear. By the time I am done and down stairs making breakfast I am in full swing, engine roaring, pistons pumping, and my little hampster is running like a maniac in his little wheel. In fact meditation has been very hard to control. I just can do that whole, "clear your mind" part. Even as I write this, I am scoffing at the idea. Clear my mind? WHATEVER! Ahhh....the joys of ADHD. I am the crazy, queen of muti-task. I am the clown of meditation.
Don't think that means that I am giving up. No sir! Not me! Did I also mention that I am the queen of stubborn? When I decide to go on a cause--lost one or not--I do it all the way!
I realize that I need to go to bed right now. It's late. I need to go upstairs and get into my bed right now and start my meditation for dummies play-away thingy and perform my winding-down portion of the day. Especially since I promised myself that I would go to bed over an hour ago, but I keep finding other things that need to get done. I keep thinking, "if I do this one extra thing before bed then that's one less thing I will have to do tomorrow. Then tomorrow won't be so busy and I might get a chance to relax".
See my insanity here, don't you?
I'm such a 'tard. That's it. I am going to bed right now. I need to get off this computer and stop blogging, even though I promised myself I would do this like yesterday. Okay. I am taking my tea and going to bed. Well first I am going to re-heat the tea that I made for myself to help me relax like over an hour ago, THEN I am going to bed.
Really.
Right now.

Firmly rooted with my feet in the air

Last night I was feeling good. I mean really good. I had no back pain. My head wasn't aching. I was feeling  100% fine. So the moment I had the boys in bed and pretty sure they were asleep I set to work on some new Yoga poses. I have been doing some research and I have been excited about the things that I have found. I have been reading anything I can get my hands on. Thank goodness for the internet. There is a world of knowledge at my fingertips!
What most people refer to as simply "yoga" is actually Hatha Yoga. Hatha Yoga is a system of yoga introduced by Yogi Swatmarama, a yogic sage in the 15th century in India. This particular system of yoga is the most popular one. The word "hatha" comes from the Sanskrit terms "ha" meaning "sun" and "tha" meaning "moon". Thus, Hatha Yoga is known as the branch of Yoga that unites pairs of opposites referring to the positive (sun) and negative (moon) currents in the system.
 So excited about the things I have been reading up on that I simply had to put them to the test. The web site that I found said, "You might be surprised to learn that your body can actually do things you did not think possible." So I brought up on my computer some beginner poses, grabbed a throw pillow from the couch, and set to work on my mat. I layed down on the floor in the corpse pose first and started working on my breathing and new stretches. Then I was ready for some work. The Beginner poses included opening poses, standing poses, salutations, shoulder and hip exercises, back and forward bends, inversions, twists, and finishing poses. At all times I was very aware of where my feet were. They were flat on the floor, pointed to the ceiling, in the air, above my head, parallel with each other, and even yes...behind my head. At one point my feet were up in the air behind me as I conqured the Plough Pose. This is where you lift your hips up off the floor and bring your legs up, over and beyond your head. I could just imagine one of the kids crawling out of bed right at that moment and finding me on the floor in this crazy possition and asking me what the heck I was doing.
So here I was in this wild pose, concentrating on my breathing, and thinking just how heavy my bottom half is when it's resting on my head when I remembered that the computer said that I would be, "surprised to learn that your body can actually do things you did not think possible." I certainly never saw this pose as possible, but was doing it. I was doing it and it wasn't killing me! Surprise, surprise!
I ended my session with the final corpse pose, breathing and thinking, "Wow! My back doesn't hurt. Wierd." I can do this! This wasn't too bad. This was for beginners???"

So my first time to experience "beginner poses" with Yoga wasn't too bad if I say so myself. I will definitely will be doing this again. I can't wait to get to work on more poses and finding more neat stuff. I feel like a kid in a candy store. It's like I am looking at all the stuff available to me and thinking, "I can have anything want? Really? Then in that case I want to try it all!" I might not like it all but hey! I can't knock it till I've tried it, right? For those of you out there thinking, "Okay Jayme! Slow down and don't get too excited. Yoga can hurt you if you don't know what you're doing." And I know this. I plan to first keep with the beginner program until I have it mastered. Then and only then will I feel comfortable moving to something new.

You know what? I used to run. I was a runner. I could run three miles in 40 minutes and I was happy with that. But then Mark left on his deployment so now 40 minutes to run seems impossible. I can't leave the house for 40 minutes. I can't take my 4 year old to a gym. I don't feel comfortable leaving my kids in a gym day care anymore. (It's a looong story) So being able to do something right here in my own home is a treat. A real happy little gift for me. I like Yoga and I like that I like Yoga. I like that I can find happiness right here on the floor of my own house and relieve my chronic back pain at the same time. So even if Yoga isn't for everybody, it's certainly is now for me. I never would have thought that something so mild like stretching and meditating would be something that my busy brain could handle or even remotely care for but surprise, surprise!  I love it, and I will be doing this again.

I need to be a self-assured, lazy slug...and proud of it

Last night after I meditated, and before I was actually asleep, I was conducting my new blog in my head. It sounded great. I was even smiling as I fell asleep knowing that my next new post was going to be a good one. Too bad I forgot to write it down in my sleep. Now I can't remember what it was going to say. I can't even remember what part about it made me smile. Oh well!
The past couple of days have been a good to me. I have been on time with my routine. I have even woken up with minimal back pain. Heck, I have even cooked dinner! And let me tell you what, I haven't been up to the task of cooking dinner for like...oh let's say six months now. It's just not been in me. Besides, I can't cook very well. Excecpt for cookies. I can bake a mean batch of cookies, by golly!
I have been trying my dead best to meditate every night before bed and once again when I wake up. I set the alarm for 30 minutes before I am supposed to get up. This morning has been the first one where I woke up and meditated and did some yoga stretches before the kids came in asking for food.
Have you ever tried to clear your mind with kids and cats on top of you? And they ALL need you to get up because you are the food maker? Well let me tell you what. It's pretty hard. More like impossible, really.
I would love to get up sooner than that but unfortunatley, I can't. Not only do I not want to get up earlier because getting up early sucks, but my sleep medications prevent me from being conscious. I mean, yes, I can answer the phone if it rings, and yes I can hold an entire conversation, but trust me. I have NO idea who you are or what I am saying. You could be the alien king from the planet Zorgon, but it won't matter. I won't remember it.
So that's why it's important to meditate at night before I go to bed as well. In fact, I have found that meditating at night with my high strung, insomniac 8 year old is helping him fall into sleep. Last night that kid even fell asleep when he was supossed to. I plan to keep this up for as long as he will let me. Believe me, he needs it almost as much as I do.
Finding peace with myself and becoming happier in my own skin  has actually just reached it's very first obstacle. I mean other than trying to calm my busy brain. Something was brought to my attention just today by a very good friend of mine. She informed me that her sister and her sister's fiance don't like me as much as they have let on, and that perhaps my occasional visits to their home hasn't always been pleasant for them. They think I am, "on a high horse" and maybe even a bit bossy. Okay, the bossiness I know about. I can sometimes be, well...a bit bossy; but on a high horse?? Me?? Seriously?? Wow. I have never been accused of being on a high horse or behaved as if  I am better than somebody else. At least that I know of.
I know that I shouldn't let what they think of me bother me. I mean everybody is entitled to their own opinion, And certainly I can't make everybody like me, but see? This is a problem I have! I really DO want people to like me. It's important, and I don't know why! Or at least I don't want people to dislike me. Maybe I am thrown off because of the way they have always seemed so nice to me in the past. They always smile and seem to enjoy my company. So now to hear this sad news that they have had put up with me for the sake of my good friend just bums me out. Well, I shouldn't brood over something like this. A part of me is dissapointed in myself for even considering this to be a broodable topic. I mean how silly! It's not logical to think that I can be friends with every single person out there in the world. And certainly there are people out there in the world that I would consider to be unworthy of my time. I don't like everybody in the world. Why should I think that they all need to like me? I need to think over this for a little while. Why should I let something so small get to me? Why should allow myself to be hurt by something so unimportant. So infintismal. So what if somebody doesn't like me? So what if they have faked "nice" to me. I mean, so what, right? Who hasn't faked "nice" before?
The other day there was a little girl in the library that had lost her mommy. It was pretty obvious that she was lost because she ran past me crying,"Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!" And then she stopped after a way and looked all around with a look of total panic on her face. Then she proceeded to run right out the door. I wanted to go after her and help her find her mommy, but just as soon as I had this thought the little girl's mommy went past me holding her baby in her arms and was in a full run. She took off right out the door, balancing her baby on her hip, running after the little girl who was by now in the library parking lot. The joyfull reunion of mommy and daughter out in the parking lot of the library was unseen by me, but by the time they reentered the building, the little girl was smiling a weak smile with her mommy by her side, no longer with that look of total panic.
 In a sense I am a lot like this lost little girl. Not that I am missing my mommy and can't find her, but that I can't find somebody that means the world to me and I am looking all over for her. But no matter where I look, she isn't there. I can see where we were just a minute ago. She was just right here!  Okay, I need to find her. And I WILL find her. I need to find that self-assured little roughy-toughy girl that said she has magical powers that reside in her finger tips under her nails. Where on earth did I lose her? Did I lose her somewhere between childhood and becoming an awkward teenager? I think that may be the place. I will go back and look. What was I doing when she disappeared? Was I starting to think that telling everybody "yes" was how to make friends and influence people? Was I trying so hard to be normal and fit in that eventually I wandered away from her, not noticing the space between us was growing bigger all the while?
Who cares if there are people that don't think I'm great all the time? I know I shouldn't. I know It's more important to just be happy with me first. As long as I like me, it shouldn't matter what other people think.

Personally, I really do think I'm great. I am a kind and caring person with a heart too big for her own chest sometimes. I'm not normal and I don't always fit in. If I just remember this simple little fact about Jayme then I will do myself well. That and keep my visits to their home few and FAR in between.

Another thing has been happening this week. Or should I say not happening this week. I haven't been keeping up with my other responsibilities. I still need to call an attorney about the house in Kansas City that I am having trouble selling. I need to take BOTH vehicles into the shop to have minor repairs done so I can renew their tags. I need to pay some bills that have gone ignored long enough. Shoot, I still need to unpack all my bags and boxes from my most recent trip over the Christmas break. I seriously seem to be having a lazy streak going on. I need to put up the new calander for the new 2011 year. I need to clean up my room. I need to get to the store to buy some bread and juice and apples. I need to put away clean clothes and dishes and start a new load. ((Sigh)) What's with me? Perhaps I 'm just so tired of doing it all ALL the time. What have I done this week to reward myself though? Let's see...I have visited with friends. I have met up with my youngest son's playgroup. I even went shopping with a friend yesterday. All in all, I would say it's been a pleasent week. So why am I having such a hard time getting back to the tasks I KNOW I need to take care of? Maybe I need to give myself permission to be a lazy slug once in a while. I'm not a lazy slug often enough. To be honest, I'm usually so busy that I don't even allow myself to sit down in the afternoons to eat my lunch. So being a lazy slug is a reward in it's self. Okay so here's to week of lazy slugishness. I'll get to it later. All that crap will still be there next week. Trust me. It's not going anywhere. Unfortunatly.

Not so fast, Grasshopper!

Okay so maybe I spoke too soon about yoga and meditation as being easy. Did I say easy? This morning I woke up feeling like I was a thousand pound boulder. I was top heavy. My head was the heaviest part of my giant boulder body. I slept bad. I woke up exhausted. I woke up all night with my back hurting. It's not fair that I'm 34 years old and I have chronic back pain. Some days I feel like a kid in 90 year old body. Yoga and meditation is supossed to help this, right? But who can perform yoga and meditation when you feel like a thousand pound boulder with chronic back pain?
But I still tried. It was clumsy attempt and since I kept hitting the snooze button before I decided to drag myself out of bed, I was also running behind. I didn't have much time to be still and "calm the mind". All I got out were a few painful stretches and a brain full of, "I need to hurry now." ((sigh))
The only thing that I can say for sure is that I am starting to get better at this breathing trick. There is this little trick with the breathing.This breathing technique is called the “Full Yogic breath” or simply Yoga breathing.

Let me give you a quick step by step: 

First, you lie down on your back, relaxed, with hands and legs outstretched, palms up and eyes looking up at the ceiling. Gently close your eyes and relax. (If closing your eyes is even possible)

Step 1: Abdominal breathing

Observe your natural breath. You will notice that as you inhale the abdomen rises and then falls with exhalation. Watch this for a few moments to check this flow. Now begin to deepen, lengthen and extend that movement. That is, while inhaling, let the abdomen rise to its limit and at exhalation let it fall completely. Keep the chest still during this entire process – only move the abdomen so you look like you have a big tummy. Continue this for 20 breaths and then rest.

Step 2: Thoracic (chest) breathing

Again observe your normal breath, this time focusing your attention on the chest. You will notice the chest moving slightly up at inhalation and down with exhalation. Again observe this pattern for a few moments. Now again, begin to deepen, lengthen and extend that movement. This time, on inhalation expand and lift the rib cage, filling the lungs completely. Then on exhalation, let the lungs collapse fully, sinking to the limits. In this step, keep the abdomen still, moving only the chest. Do this for 20 breath cycles. Now you can put them both together....

Step 3: Full Yogic breathing

This combines the above 2 steps in the following way:
First inhale by filling the abdomen and then CONTINUE inhaling as you expand and fill the chest. Then exhale first from the chest as it empties and falls and then CONTINUE exhaling from the abdomen as it draws inwards completely. This is one round of the full yogic breath. Remember the pattern… Inhaling - abdomen then chest; Exhaling – chest then abdomen.

 All of the above steps should be done WITHOUT strain. The natural tendency is to heave with effort. The right way is to make it smooth and effortless. I am supossed to take it slow and easy. As I am breathing like this I feel like the ocean is inside me. The ebb and the flow. The ocean waves that rock quietly as they reach the shore. Usually I start off a little rough but as I go along, I improve.

But like I said, all I could right this morning was the breathing. The brain? yeah right. That poor little hamster in his wheel was going at a good pace. And my body? Yeah right. Trying to force a thousand pound boulder to stretch, as you may already know, is impossible.

There are challenges that lie ahead of me, that goes without saying. I need to remember that some days are going to be better than others.

 So I guess for now, I need to take my back pain medication like I do every single day, and get it through my head that not everyday is going to be as easy as my first attempt. Not everyday am I going to feel like even trying. Not everyday is a good day. But as long as I never stop trying, right? As long as I don't stop looking at the big picture. As long as I can always see the light at the end of the tunnel and know for sure it's not the train.

The quest for a clearer mind

I have a busy mind. A very busy mind. At any given moment during the day--or night--I have a million thoughts shooting through my brain like a meteor shower. Shooting stars that stream across the night sky. They zoom and shimmer and sometimes they come all at the same time. At any given time I can be thinking about my kids, doctors appointments, medications, bills that need to be paid, bills that have already been paid, the clothes that need to be washed, the dishes that need to be put away, the house that needs to be sold, my husband, my mom, my other family members, my uneaten lunch, and hey! What's for dinner? Stress, stress, stress.  Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts.
What can a girl like me do for a clear and relaxed mind? For that inner peace that I am searching for? My ADHD alone keeps my brain running in such a full force that my insomnia medications had to readjusted just so I could close my eyes at night. Just the simple act of closing my eyes can be difficult. That shooting star effect I mentioned will actually be so bad at night sometimes that I will literaly see flashes of light behind my eyes. Like somebody else has the remote control and flipping through the channels, and I barely get a glimps of the shows that are going past.
So like I said, my brain is busy. I have pondered ways to become relaxed, focused, and less busy-brained. I have tried certain technics in the past. One thing I have tried is to become more organised. I have a wipe-eraser monthly planner on my kitchen wall, and actually it works great! When I remember to write down my appointments. I also have a monthly planner in my purse. I call it the big purple brain because, well, it's purple. And it works great too! When I remember to write down my appointments.
Other things I have tried in the past is routine. I actually discovered that keeping a routine is very important. Not just for myself but for my kids too. We get up, we eat breakfast, the kids go to school, I get my chores and errands done, they come home, do homework, eat dinner, take a bath, and go to bed. All the same things everyday. We are as regular as clockwork. Not too many surprises at our house during the weekday.
All my efforts have not been too futile. They have all worked out to some degree, but I still seem to be scatter-brained. I can't seem to make the hamster stop galloping in the little wheel.
What else can I try? Well, I have decided to make meditation and yoga apart of my routine. I have decided to add it to my daily calander. And why not? I have read so many good things about yoga and meditation. It lowers blood pressure, it relieves anxiety, it increases cogitive thinking, it increases the body's immune system, it helps with chronic pain, and most importantly it CALMS THE MIND!
I have read and read all I can about yoga and meditation and it's benefits so now it's time to give it the old collage try. I have looked on-line for yoga for beginners. There are literaly dozens of sites I can look up for methods, positions, breathing....anything. I can borrow books from the library. I even borrwed a Yoga/Pilates video from a friend of mine, but pilates doesn't interest me as much. I have an instructional play-away thingy that the Army passes out to soldies and spouses called "Chill-Drills". I actually used it last night. It plays veeeery soothing music as a lady speaks veeeeery softly, instructing you on how to breath, focus and relax. It's nice to have. I like to think of it as my little "Meditation For Dummies" instruction manual. When I used it last night, it actually helped me to relax....a lot. I even used it to help my oldest go to sleep. He unfortunatly has insomnia as bad as I do. It put him right to sleep. If my first shot at meditation worked this nicely, imagine the possibilities of practicing it even longer!
This is all apart of my plan. You know? The plan to recreate Jayme. I need to relax. I need a calm mind. I need to get to the library to see if they have a yoga DVD that I can use instead of going to someplace like Gold's Gym where they charge ridiculous prices for a membership.

In the beginning

This is a new year. 2011. Last year I had bad news tossed at me from left and right. Some news was bad for the world. Some news was bad for my family. But bad news was like the theme for 2010. At the beginning of last year, my husband was "between orders".He works for U.S. Army and his job in the Army was, for lack of a better way to put it, taken away from him because the Army has physical standards that must be kept up with in order to maintain a job within the Army. He was having some trouble keeping up with those standards. Maybe because he was with a very srtict branch of the Army. Their physical standards are hard to keep up with for even the totaly athletic type. Most guys I know in my husband's old unit were always "on a diet". Sad but true.
So the paychecks for my family weren't coming in. I was looking for a job. I am a medical assistant and phlebotomist. So I have what the Army calls a portable job. They are great if you're an Army wife. You can find a job wherever you move to. But not this time. I wasn't finding any jobs anywhere. I looked for months with NO luck.So we lived off our 401k to a point that now that 401k is looking like it went on a diet these days.
My husband decided to switch units. You know, to something he was better at managing. However that also meant he would most likely deploy, but that was okay with him. Deployment means a steady paycheck. Deployment means health insurance for the family. Deployment means he finaly gets to put all that training to the test. And when you're in the Army, there is LOTS of training. Deployment was a good thing. Except that we have three kids. Three small boys that have ADHD. And I am a mom with ADHD, and did I mention I have a quick temper?
I have always had a hard time managing those three boys and myself. Plus I have a very hard time making  time for the things I really enjoy. In fact, I NEVER make time for myself. I always do and do and do. By the end of every day, I am usually so exhausted from doing that I can't wait to take my sleeping pill and hit the pillow with full force. I'm also full of resentment. I did, and did, and did and who helped me? Did anybody offer to help me? Not usually. Did they do like I wanted them to? Not likely. Did I ask for help though? 9 times out of 10 the answer is no.
But deployment was a solution to so many financial problems for us that saying no was a bad idea. So deployment was what happened. June of 2010 I said goodbye to my husband.On the day he left my boys and I stayed out there on the tarmac at the airport till almost midnight watching as my husband and his new unit took off into the air. I cried and cried, filled with dread.
By July I was informed that my middle son has Tourette's. That would explain why he kept making this wierd noise with his mouth and blinking his eyes ALL the time. The Tourette's made itself known to us all because apparently it's symptoms are exaggerated by stress and anxiety. My own ADHD was out of control. It's symptoms are also exagerated by stress and anxiety. My ADHD was so out of control that I was literaly repeating the same word over, and over out loud to myself because if I didn't then I would completely forget what I was doing. Like I was saying, "shoes, shoes, shoes, shoes". Otherwise I would forget that I needed to get on my shoes before I left the house. Then while I was driving down the road I would have to say, "bank, bank, bank, bank" because if I didn't then I would end up at the store and wonder to myself, "why am I here when I needed to go to the bank?"
My anxiety was rubbing off on the kids. Their anxiety was high. Their ADHD was out of control. We all needed to get to the doctor for a good old medication adjustment. So that was exactly what we did. The doctor reccomended I take my boys to a psychiatrist so we could have a psychiatrist help us to adjust medications for anxiety and sleep dissorders and ADHD. And when anxiety is under control so is my son's tourette's.
We were also advised to have a family therapist because like I said before, I have a quick temper. Well, so do my kids. We have all been biting each other's heads off and spouting mean words and playing on each other's last nerve so much that when we did go to see our family therapist, she reffered to my family state as "fragile".
So here I am planning out pills and doctor appointments and trying to manage a daily life of cooking and cleaning and laundry and school events and homework and playdates. I am up to my eyeballs in busy. Busy, busy, busy. I go to bed wondering what the heck I did all day because I was so freaking tired but I had nothing to show for it. I couldn't hold out my hand and open it and say, "look at this! This is what I have been doing this whole time! Isn't it great?"
Birthdays go by, as well as Halloween and Thanksgiving and FRG family events every single month (it's an Army thing), and Christmas was coming up. One day in the middle of all this busy, I got a phone call from my mother. I could tell it wasn't good because she refused to talk to me unless I was alone with no kids to distract me. She knows it isn't often that I have moments like that so I knew it couldn't be good. So while my older two were at school, I stuck my 4 year old in front of the tv with a bowl of pop-corn and a huge sippy cup of juice and I locked myself in my bedroom and dialed my mom's cell phone number.
It was what I feared. It was bad news. My mother called me to tell  me that she was healing from a double masectomy because she had breast cancer. I say "had" breast cancer because she was healing from the double masectomy that she decided to have to eradicate all chances of the breast cancer ever returning. But why was she telling me now? Why did she just now tell me that had cancer? Or that she just had a double mastectomy, for crying out loud?
She told me was that it was a hard decision to make to not tell me. It hurt her to not tell me. She found out about the cancer in October, but knew that I was so busy with "Busy" that she didn't have the heart to tell me and add to my already stressed out life. So she decided to not call me and tell me until she felt like she had something good to report. The good news: It was caught early. Really early. Stage one, in fact. However the risk of cancer returning was still there so she asked what her options were. There was radiation, but radiation was a bad choice because once you have radiation done, you can never have it again, and the risk of cancer coming back was still high. The other option was double masectomy. The risk of beast cancer coming back after something like that is 1%. That means there was a 99% chance that the breast cancer will never come back. So that's what she went for, and that's what she was healing from when she called me.
So the year was full of bad news. Sad news. I felt like I was being bombarded and blindsided by all this bad news.
But in a sense, all of my bad news was actually good news. All of my issues have been just that. Issues. I have recieved good news with every issue. Our finacial woes had a solution, deployment. Our mental issues had a solution, psychological help and medications. My mother's issue with breast cancer had a solution, surgery and now Chemotherapy. (ugh) They might not always be the solutions I would have chosen for myself or for my family but they were solutions nontheless. I prayed for God to send me solutions to each issue and he provided. I am a lucky girl, I guess. My family is a lucky family.

So here we are in a new year. 2011. I have made for myself a resolution. Okay two resolutions. Resolution number one: Sell our old broken down house in Missouri and resolution number two: Make myself a priorty.
The house in Missouri has been a serious issue. That has added to my Busy. Finding the right realtor...any realtor that will help me to get rid of the house that we used to live in when we lived in Missouri. The house is broken down and selling it has proved to be a real challenge. I NEED to sell this broken down, money trap. It HAS to go.
And of course, making time for myself is another really serious issue. I have such a hard time telling people no. I will take on duties and tasks that anybody else in their right mind would say no to. I know I can't, shouldn't, don't have time to do this task for somebody else but for some reasons unknown to me, I say yes. I NEED help. Why do I do this? Why do I do this to myself? Why do I do this and then get angry and even resentful for it? Why do I let my kids see me do this? They see me doing and doing and doing, and they are learning from me that selfless behaviour is all there is. They are learning from me that taking care of things that matter to yourself isn't as important as taking care of other people's matters. They are learning to be codependent. They are learning to be control freaks. I CAN'T let them learn this. I HAVE to change my ways. It's imperative to learn to say, "I'm sorry, but I just can't do this or that because I just don't feel like it today. Instead I'm going to go take myself to the movies because it's been a hard week and I deserve a reward for myself".
So now where to start? What do I do to change this way about myself? How do I recreate Jayme? This is my dilemma. Or more like this is my project. I resolve to find inner-peace with myself and make Jayme an important person. I must find peace.