I need to be a self-assured, lazy slug...and proud of it

Last night after I meditated, and before I was actually asleep, I was conducting my new blog in my head. It sounded great. I was even smiling as I fell asleep knowing that my next new post was going to be a good one. Too bad I forgot to write it down in my sleep. Now I can't remember what it was going to say. I can't even remember what part about it made me smile. Oh well!
The past couple of days have been a good to me. I have been on time with my routine. I have even woken up with minimal back pain. Heck, I have even cooked dinner! And let me tell you what, I haven't been up to the task of cooking dinner for like...oh let's say six months now. It's just not been in me. Besides, I can't cook very well. Excecpt for cookies. I can bake a mean batch of cookies, by golly!
I have been trying my dead best to meditate every night before bed and once again when I wake up. I set the alarm for 30 minutes before I am supposed to get up. This morning has been the first one where I woke up and meditated and did some yoga stretches before the kids came in asking for food.
Have you ever tried to clear your mind with kids and cats on top of you? And they ALL need you to get up because you are the food maker? Well let me tell you what. It's pretty hard. More like impossible, really.
I would love to get up sooner than that but unfortunatley, I can't. Not only do I not want to get up earlier because getting up early sucks, but my sleep medications prevent me from being conscious. I mean, yes, I can answer the phone if it rings, and yes I can hold an entire conversation, but trust me. I have NO idea who you are or what I am saying. You could be the alien king from the planet Zorgon, but it won't matter. I won't remember it.
So that's why it's important to meditate at night before I go to bed as well. In fact, I have found that meditating at night with my high strung, insomniac 8 year old is helping him fall into sleep. Last night that kid even fell asleep when he was supossed to. I plan to keep this up for as long as he will let me. Believe me, he needs it almost as much as I do.
Finding peace with myself and becoming happier in my own skin  has actually just reached it's very first obstacle. I mean other than trying to calm my busy brain. Something was brought to my attention just today by a very good friend of mine. She informed me that her sister and her sister's fiance don't like me as much as they have let on, and that perhaps my occasional visits to their home hasn't always been pleasant for them. They think I am, "on a high horse" and maybe even a bit bossy. Okay, the bossiness I know about. I can sometimes be, well...a bit bossy; but on a high horse?? Me?? Seriously?? Wow. I have never been accused of being on a high horse or behaved as if  I am better than somebody else. At least that I know of.
I know that I shouldn't let what they think of me bother me. I mean everybody is entitled to their own opinion, And certainly I can't make everybody like me, but see? This is a problem I have! I really DO want people to like me. It's important, and I don't know why! Or at least I don't want people to dislike me. Maybe I am thrown off because of the way they have always seemed so nice to me in the past. They always smile and seem to enjoy my company. So now to hear this sad news that they have had put up with me for the sake of my good friend just bums me out. Well, I shouldn't brood over something like this. A part of me is dissapointed in myself for even considering this to be a broodable topic. I mean how silly! It's not logical to think that I can be friends with every single person out there in the world. And certainly there are people out there in the world that I would consider to be unworthy of my time. I don't like everybody in the world. Why should I think that they all need to like me? I need to think over this for a little while. Why should I let something so small get to me? Why should allow myself to be hurt by something so unimportant. So infintismal. So what if somebody doesn't like me? So what if they have faked "nice" to me. I mean, so what, right? Who hasn't faked "nice" before?
The other day there was a little girl in the library that had lost her mommy. It was pretty obvious that she was lost because she ran past me crying,"Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!" And then she stopped after a way and looked all around with a look of total panic on her face. Then she proceeded to run right out the door. I wanted to go after her and help her find her mommy, but just as soon as I had this thought the little girl's mommy went past me holding her baby in her arms and was in a full run. She took off right out the door, balancing her baby on her hip, running after the little girl who was by now in the library parking lot. The joyfull reunion of mommy and daughter out in the parking lot of the library was unseen by me, but by the time they reentered the building, the little girl was smiling a weak smile with her mommy by her side, no longer with that look of total panic.
 In a sense I am a lot like this lost little girl. Not that I am missing my mommy and can't find her, but that I can't find somebody that means the world to me and I am looking all over for her. But no matter where I look, she isn't there. I can see where we were just a minute ago. She was just right here!  Okay, I need to find her. And I WILL find her. I need to find that self-assured little roughy-toughy girl that said she has magical powers that reside in her finger tips under her nails. Where on earth did I lose her? Did I lose her somewhere between childhood and becoming an awkward teenager? I think that may be the place. I will go back and look. What was I doing when she disappeared? Was I starting to think that telling everybody "yes" was how to make friends and influence people? Was I trying so hard to be normal and fit in that eventually I wandered away from her, not noticing the space between us was growing bigger all the while?
Who cares if there are people that don't think I'm great all the time? I know I shouldn't. I know It's more important to just be happy with me first. As long as I like me, it shouldn't matter what other people think.

Personally, I really do think I'm great. I am a kind and caring person with a heart too big for her own chest sometimes. I'm not normal and I don't always fit in. If I just remember this simple little fact about Jayme then I will do myself well. That and keep my visits to their home few and FAR in between.

Another thing has been happening this week. Or should I say not happening this week. I haven't been keeping up with my other responsibilities. I still need to call an attorney about the house in Kansas City that I am having trouble selling. I need to take BOTH vehicles into the shop to have minor repairs done so I can renew their tags. I need to pay some bills that have gone ignored long enough. Shoot, I still need to unpack all my bags and boxes from my most recent trip over the Christmas break. I seriously seem to be having a lazy streak going on. I need to put up the new calander for the new 2011 year. I need to clean up my room. I need to get to the store to buy some bread and juice and apples. I need to put away clean clothes and dishes and start a new load. ((Sigh)) What's with me? Perhaps I 'm just so tired of doing it all ALL the time. What have I done this week to reward myself though? Let's see...I have visited with friends. I have met up with my youngest son's playgroup. I even went shopping with a friend yesterday. All in all, I would say it's been a pleasent week. So why am I having such a hard time getting back to the tasks I KNOW I need to take care of? Maybe I need to give myself permission to be a lazy slug once in a while. I'm not a lazy slug often enough. To be honest, I'm usually so busy that I don't even allow myself to sit down in the afternoons to eat my lunch. So being a lazy slug is a reward in it's self. Okay so here's to week of lazy slugishness. I'll get to it later. All that crap will still be there next week. Trust me. It's not going anywhere. Unfortunatly.