The picture of the little blue engine from the classic children's story. I had it as my Facebook profile picture not too long ago, I felt it really represented me. I still feel like it represents me, but I have since changed my profile picture.
Being here with three young boys to raise for the past 6 months on my own has been challenging to say the least. It's been challenging for so many reasons. Challenging because I'm raising children with ADHD, ODD, and Tourette's. It's been challenging because I was so used to having a spouse to help me when the times got tough, and times can get pretty tough here. Also because I have never been able to escape this little, gray cloud of guilt. It follows me wherever I go, ready to rain it's miserable darkness all over me. I have never been the person to ask for help even when I CLEARLY needed it.I don't even like to accept help from others when they finaly offer help to me because I am ashamed of myself. It's as if accepting help meant that I can't handle my own crap. My lord, Accepting help?? What does that say about me? People must be offering to help because they see I can't take of myself. Accepting help must be a sign of weakness. Accepting help, even if I desperately need it, is just like saying, "I should'nt have got myself in this possition and now it needs to be my responsibility to get myself out of it." I have always let my kids, family, friends, and total strangers move me like a pawn with the help of my little black cloud.
At the same time I have been angry and resentful when others don't offer help when I CLEARLY need it. It's as if I just need to hear the words, "can I help you" because then I can feel the pride of saying, "no thank you. I got this." I long for people to offer their assistance to me because for heaven's sake! That's what I would have done for them! Honestly people have had to take serious steps to move me out of the way if they really want to help me.
Why have I always felt the need to be so brave? Or maybe I should say why have I always felt the need to be so stupid? I feel satisfied when I step up and take over a situation when clearly somebody else needed the help. I give and give and give but always feel shame and guilt when I take. It's a fear I have that I will let myself down if I take too much. Shame on me for ever taking because it's greed. It's sloth. It's selfishness. It's sinful. Yet at the same time it's okay for others to want this for themselves. I mean, if I have a friend who isn't taking care of themself and always putting others first, I have told them that they are being silly. "Why would you do that to yourself?" I would say. Take care of You. Take better care of You! Then when I hear that somebody out there really is indulging themselves in self-pleasures I think that person is so completely selfish, and I feel resentment and jealousy.
Once I heard about a woman, a mother, who took herself and her husband on a vacation when their baby was perhaps a month old. I could have died I was so shocked! How could she? I mean, what a selfish woman! What mother takes herself out of her child's life for a week while she and her husband go off enjoying themselves? Spending money on themselves? Leaving their baby--their responsibility--with a family member? Has this family member no self-worth at all; taking on such a job while these lazy good-for-nothing parents go off to enjoy themselves? Why, it was enough to make me scream! I was amazed at their audacity, but was jealous at the same time. Why haven't I ever gone on a vacation with just my husband, no kids allowed? That sounds like a dream come true. Do you know how many times my kids have spent nights away from me? I can count the days on 6 fingers, and that is the honest truth. My oldest is 8.
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Re-creating Jayme is not going to be easy. I am going to have to allow myself some self-pleasing things to happen in my life. I am going to have to allow myself to be first on my list while everybody else is second. Even the kids. Even the cat...and believe me she is a bossy/needy kitty cat. (Good God, I even let the cat boss me around.) It's a slow step toward happiness, but allowing myself to enjoy the things every week--heck, everyday, is going to be a serious task to take on. I have to learn to let go of my fears. I have to learn that when I smile because of something I did for myself, it's not greed or selfishness. It's joyful. To see that I care about myself the way I ask my friends to care about themselves is love.
So with that being said, I decided to reward Jayme today. I haven't been able to meditate very well. I admit it. The old brain is just buzzing all the time like a dial going up and down on the radio, flipping through the channels and getting lots of static. My eyes hate closing and even my breathing is getting trickier to control. I know I have lots of worries right now and I cannot--I repeat--I cannot let those worries overwhelm me. There are things in this world I have no control over and I need to just let it go. So how did I reward myself, you may be wondering? I had a massage today! An hour long massage that felt incredible. I watched a movie with a friend this morning and then when it was over, I drove my 4 year old to another friend's home and I took myself to get a massage. Can you believe that? I can't hardly believe it myself! I can hardly believe I did something so relaxing and self-indulgent. It felt so nice that when it was over with, I signed up for the monthly massage special.It must have been the happy hormones pulsing through my rejuvinated muscles, but holy crap, do you know what that means? That means that every month I am going to allow myself one hour of total relaxation. It doesn't sound like much when I put it that way, but for me this is a very big deal. I plan to spend money on myself. I have purchased for myself something very indulgent indeed and it's more than just a new pair of underware!
Am I excited? Yes. Am I scared of what I just did? Totaly. Am I going to go back there tomorrow and cancel the monthly massage thing? Not on your life! I deserve it. If there were ever a time I deserved a break, it sure is now. So here is a small step for meditating with a clear mind, and one giant leap for self-confidence.
About Me
- Jayme
- I am an army wife with three kids. I live too many miles from any family members but I have a support group of friends here in this high desert that I am thankful and greatful for every single day. I am in a soul search for myself. I have always been a "yes" person. A person who can never say "no". Because of this I have lost Me along the way, and I am tired of being lost. It's time for Jayme to find herself and be happy. The past 6 months have been hard for me. I mean REALLY challenging because like I said, I am an Army wife with three kids and sometimes I have to do things like, you know, on my own. I have another 6-7 months of more challenge ahead of me. But I think I should look at it as 6-7 more months of recreating a better me. A woman who is comfortable in her own skin. Somebody who radiates strength and inner-peace. Somebody who has a closeness with her God and herself. Somebody who can also--finaly--put herself first and use the word "no".
Jayme, I heard someone suggest this one time; jot down some of the things that worry you the most -- you know, kind of like making a grocery list. When you are finished, go purchase a helium balloon, roll the paper into a tiny scroll, then tie it to a ribbon at the end of the balloon. Take the balloon and yourself to some private location and say something like this just before releasing the balloon: Here are my worries, Lord. I am releasing them to you now. You have answers and solutions that I never thought of. Believe me, I'm open to hearing them. But I just can't deal with it anymore. The Bible tells us not to worry about anything, but to pray about everything. Here is my list. Then just let everything go. I actually did that once, and every prayer was answered. -Mom-
ReplyDeleteNot to be a downer but balloons released often cause harm to wildlife. I think it’s a wonderful idea though so maybe instead of releasing the balloon do it at a time that you have can have a few minutes without the boys watching and burn the list over the sink. When we moved to Arkansas I was not happy to say goodbye to my friends (we’d lived in Texas for 11 years and it was the longest we’d ever stayed anywhere) and go somewhere new. I cried and cried and I was ANGRY that I had to move. The evening before we left I wrote out my name, address, and phone number on a slip of paper and then burned it over the sink saying goodbye. I know it sounds weird but it helped. I did the same thing when I went through my divorce, and a few other traumatic things. Our last house was the last place I’d seen my dad alive and even though I was looking forward to the new chapter with our new house I was having trouble leaving that house. I finally wrote a short letter to my dad telling him about the changes that had happened since he’d died and about the new exciting beginning we were going to have--things that I would have always called to tell him about if he were still here. On our last evening in the house I burned the letter over the sink and tried to let that anxiety and sadness over moving go with it and it did help. Only problem was that right after I had burned the letter the landlords called and said they were headed over early to do the walkthrough. It still smelled smoky when they got there and they asked if there had been a fire so I had to fess up. Just make sure the ashes are thoroughly burned and wet with water before you wash it down. If it’s a big letter, maybe dedicate a fire safe container for it.
ReplyDeleteIt’s also incredibly difficult for me to accept help and darn near impossible to ask for help. I feel like I’m physically choking on the words. But you know what? I’ve had to try to overcome that so that it doesn’t affect my children. A couple neighbors with kids in Nathan’s school had offered over and over to pick him up or take him so that I wouldn’t have to walk. But I walked anyway it‘s MY job to take care of my children, and when I couldn’t (whether it was because the heat index was 105+ and it wasn’t safe for Elaina or a migraine that knocked me on my butt) Paul took off work to go get him and it had to be BAD before I would ask him to do that. But this month Paul can’t take time off to go get Nathan and temperatures are too cold for me to take Elaina out in it so I’ve had to accept help in getting him to and from school. I HATE it that I need someone’s help in taking care of my child but he’s loving riding with his classmate and actually doing better about going to school so maybe this is an answer to prayer after all. I’m glad you did something for yourself and even more glad that you found something that will help you feel better and handle things better! I’ve been wanting to try the massage thing myself but always find a reason to put it off. I’ve even used the, “Will they see my legs?” excuse because well then I would have to shave them and blah blah blah.
Okay, I’ll end this "book" with I love you and keep taking care of yourself!
One thing that makes me feel better about accepting help is the thought that when we refuse to accept help, we are denying that person the joy and blessings that come from serving others. Communities are meant to help and support each other - whether your community is your church, your circle of friends, your neighborhood, or whatever. I think that service is a true expression of love, so the next time someone offers to help, remember that they are telling you they love you and there is no shame in accepting that love.
ReplyDeleteAnd good for you for signing up for that massage thing. It reminds me I need to make an appointment ;)
YES YOU DO!!! You so deserve it, Laurie.
ReplyDelete